Why am I such an idiot?

Work did not go well today. By noon I was 45 minutes late by the last patient. After catching up and almost passing out from pain/nausea/??? in the bathroom I see the 1:00 patient. By the last afternoon patient, I am once again 45 minutes behind. I am facing another 3 hours of work including dictations. I usually get dictations finished between patients and get scripts called in, which I did manage to do :) I was in so much pain and in tears from depression that I walked out. I wanted a car to hit me on the way across the street. I try to think back and I can't recall when I have hated my job so much. Heath reminded me that it is just a stepping stone. I can recall hating supervisors, but I can never recall waking up and actually not wanting to get out of bed because I did not want to do my job. I can't figure out what it is that I hate about it though. Heath suggested that maybe it is because I feel so miserable. I waved that off. The more I think about it, I think maybe he is right. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am in pain and I can't take pain medications because that interferes with my job. I have to keep working because I can't get anyone to cover for me.

I had dinner plans with Heath, which he cancelled because he was sick. When he cancelled, I pouted. Truth was I was too scared to be alone, but we are too early in the relationship for him to know that. I was (still kind of am) feeling incompetent, but have now spent several hours talking to Heath, my mother, and my sister. Things don't seem so bad. I wish I could remember these times when I stop taking my antidepressant. Maybe I should make myself read my journals and blogs every week as a reminder to myself what I am like on and off medicines just like I remember what a pain it is not to be able to drive, so I take my epilepsy medicine.

Heath did say he would stop by, but then he left before I got home. He sent me a text saying I took too long. I called and told him I had food and he came back. Note to self: food attracts men. I know I am a jerk. I should not have pouted and I should not have made him come over or come back especially since he is sick. I probably should tell him I have a sore throat since he is so worried about making me sick. The same person who made him sick probably made me sick. So we had Chinese food and I started crying during dinner. I'm sure he thinks I am crazy and wants to run.