Recycled Paper Towels are difficult to find

This morning I cleaned up the kitchen, then made it messy again by making French Toast. Then Heath and I headed to Staples for paper towels. I have been searching for recycled paper towels for almost a month and have not been able to find them. Heath saw an add for recycled paper towels at Staples and sent it to me. We headed to Staples and then headed to BJ's. We also went to Target. I came home and cleaned out the car and did some laundry. I did some cleaning, but I plan to do the bulk of my cleaning and organizing when I come back from Atlanta.

A busy day

Heath spent the night. I woke up to him crawling into bed-he did not let go of me the rest of the night. We spent the day running errands. He was a little peeved saying that he got things done during the week, so he could spend the day with me. Well, that would be nice, but it is not practical for me. Heath does not go to the grocery store and one trip to BJ's once every two months takes care of household items. The errands were not that bad a trip to the hardware store and a trip to Best Buy. Best Buy was for him-he needed a new bluetooth headset. He griped about the grocery store, but he was the one that demanded I cook every once in a while. Food does not magically appear in the pantry and fridge. After the store, we played the Wii, which seemed to make him happier. I made dinner, which was yummy, and then we watched ghost stories on television.

What a way to ruin a movie

Heath and I are not speaking tonight, which is sort of odd because he is still over here. He was here when I arrived home from work. He seemed to be in a better mood since he could sit on the couch and play WoW, instead of sitting in the car and watching he DVR. He wanted to go see a movie. Technically, it was my turn to choose the movie. He did not want to see my choice. Neither of us wanted to sit through the 3 hour Watchman movie either. He had really wanted to see this other movie-Last House on the Left. I watched the preview and it was about a girl being kidnapped and her dad getting revenge. I enjoyed Taken, so the premise was not upsetting. Seeing that it was by Wes Craven, however did not sit well with me. Wes Craven is obsessed with rape. I told Heath that I did not want to see anyone getting raped. He said, oh they would not show that in this movie. Stupidly, I believed him. Well about an hour into the movie, the main character is raped. For about a minute, I looked at Heath-he did not look away from the screen-ugh! I stormed out of the theater (actually it was a pretty calm walk-he came after me about 15 seconds later. He was making his way to the exit of the cinema-I was leaning against the wall. I told him that he could watch the rest of the movie, but he said he did not want to since I did not want to see it. I still can not get the images and sounds in the movie out of head. I let him choose the movie last time and it contained three people committing suicide by blowing out their brains. Two scenes I do not want to see in movies-rape and suicide by shooting self in head. We walked in silence to the car and then rode in silence to the Mexican restaurant. Then we ate dinner in complete silence-not a single word was spoken-with the exception of telling the waitress our orders. We came back to my house and I assumed Heath would go home. However he sat down on the couch and turned on his computer. After about 45 minutes of watching Heath read the news, I changed my clothes, walked on the treadmill, took a shower, and crawled into bed. So far, he has not left.

The key to my heart?

Today, I did something I have never done. I gave a guy a key to my house. Heath did not really think of it as a big deal, but I think it is a big step for me. I don't think he is going to invade my privacy and I would also like to think he would knock before he uses the key-my parents do. He did not ask for a key. I basically drove us (yes, I know-he complained about being tired and made me drive-not that I'm not tired, have worked 11 or 12 hour days this week and only gotten 5 hours or less of sleep a night) to the hardware store, purchased a copy of my key and handed it to him. He was upset about sitting in his car waiting for me because he does not want to drive the twenty minutes to his house from work and then drive thirty minutes back to my house. It makes sense and if it means he will not bite my head off when I am running behind due to a patient (gee, you mean I don't intentionally run behind-it is because I am with a patient), I guess I can give him a key.

Wash away life

I am beginning to dislike Wednesdays-they are entirely too long. They begin between 7:00 and 7:30am and do not end until 7:00pm. To top it off, I feel completely exhausted by Tuesday's early morning flight. I was in a laughing mood yesterday, no doubt from the exhaustion. I felt the need to laugh at topics that were very funny. Quite embarrassing!

I attended a lecture on OCD. It is fascinating to me about how OCD ruled my life at one point, but with the help of medications and therapy, I am doing much better. I still have some contamination fears, but they are not so strange as to interfere with my life. The compulsion of having to wash when I see a dead person-even just a picture on TV can get quite annoying, but it is not something I am having to deal with on a daily basis. I do perhaps, still wash my hands too much, but at least they are not as raw as they once were.

What's on my mind

I went to Asheville today. It was a very long day due to the fact we had to leave early to drop someone off in another city. The flights were all very lovely and I did get some work completed on them.

I really wanted to go out for St. Patrick's Day, however with the early morning awakening and the long day, I am too tired to go out. Heath went out with his neighbor and celebrated at a local Irish establishment-I am kind of upset about it, but I am not going to say anything. Again on the phone, he brought up a lovely story from last St. Patrick's Day in which the neighbor's friend promised to flash him, but then did not keep her promise. I really could live without this story, it has been a year-get over it. I really do not want to hear that you want to look at naked women, but never look at me and not once-even complimented me on my appearance. Ugh!

On the way home, I read the treatment guidelines for Tourette Syndrome. The likelihood of a child who has one parent with OCD and one parent with Tourette Syndrome having Tourette Syndrome or OCD is 70-90%. Scary numbers, but is it a reason to not have children. I will admit my OCD has been bad enough to lead to suicidal gestures. I wish I had known at 12 years old, what I know now. Even several years ago, it was under diagnosed and under treated in children. Same thing for Tourette Syndrome. I do not think being a child with these conditions now is the worst thing and I do not believe it should affect my decision to have children. The only reasons I can think of at the moment is if my husband has Bipolar Disorder or Arnold Chiari Malformation. I have a previous post regarding Bipolar Disorder. Regarding the Arnold Chiari Malformation, the genetics is not too clear, but if my husband had symptomatic ACM, then I would put money on my child having symptomatic ACM.While, I know my case was nowhere near the worst case of ACM, it was definitely a challenge I would not want to go through again and not something I would want another human being to experience.

Ugh!

Today got off to a slow start, but then it took off. I had a full clinic this afternoon. Heath sent me an e-mail and so I called him back to find out when he wanted to come over for lasagna. He said tonight-which I was really hoping he would not say. I have a horrible migraine and have to get up at 4:30am to go to Asheville tomorrow.
Heath came over without calling first. I was already preparing dinner. He watched me carry out two bags of trash-tomorrow is trash day. I don't think a guy has ever watched me take out the garbage without offering to help. Of all chores-taking out the garbage is my least favorite-I actually have had panic attacks taking out the garbage. He did walk with me to the door and as I was coming back, I noticed he had put a Pepsi bottle in the blue recycling bin. I asked if he would please take the top off and rinse it out. He refused. We got in a big fight about it. It may seem like a little issue, but it is a big deal to me. He said he was going to leave, but he stayed and we spent the next hour in complete silence. What really stinks is I like him, but I have no clue how much I can put up with.

Shouldn't I have all of this?

Today, I dump Heath. He left this morning without saying bye which made me really angry. I did not hear from him the rest of the day. He called me later on in the evening. I think he spent the day playing video games-he told me he was going to the movies with his neighbor-which I knew was not the truth because his neighbor had company in town. I have decided that Heath is not attracted to me because for the past three weeks he has not even kissed me. In a relationship this early, he should not be able to keep his hands off me. I am not saying I would do anything, but he should at least want to. I told him that we should break up. He was not totally against it, but he was not for it either. I asked him if he liked me and he said of course. I told him to tell me why. He came up with two reasons-I'm nice and I like video games-the two well known foundations for a great relationship. He did not say anything about being attracted to me. He then brought up the name changing thing again. I plan to go by my husband's name socially. Why is it so important that I go by Dr. Husband's name instead of Dr. Wobegonrabbit? I am not using my maiden name because I am looking for a replacement. I have put 13 years into my career and I do not want it to disappear because when I change my name no one knows who I am. I really like him, but I do not feel like he feels the same way. As Mary Chapin Carpenter put it- Shouldn't I have all of this and passionate kisses?

Myrtle Beach

Today Heath and I drove to Myrtle Beach to see his nephew in a little league game. It was fun and I enjoyed meeting his brother and sister-in-law. We played with his youngest nephew and had a blast. He is great with children. He did tell me that he does not want a ton of children. I have not decided how many I really want.
The trip was great until the ride home. He took out that he was tired on me and became really mean. I really had to go to the bathroom-I was doubled over in pain and he said well, I am really tired, what do you want me to do about it. Duh! pull over?? I held it for over an hour and probably, judging from all the cramping and abdominal pain, have a UTI.

Friday the 13th

I am so glad night float is over. Heath took me out to dinner to the pub and then we came back home and watched Monty Python-although I am not so sure Heath actually watched it. I fell asleep two minutes into the movie and woke up an hour and a half later. He played WoW. We really have to set ground rules-he can not come over to my house, ignore me, and play WoW. I really don't want to be dating my sister.

Sleep is wonderful

Last night was moderately busy, I had about one free hour, which is rare. That free hour was nice and I got a lot accomplished. Today I slept soundly for the eight hours that I was home and then I headed to night float. I am looking forward to my last night of night float this week.

I guess I am depressed

Last night was definitely not as bad as the night before, however this morning was not good. There was an incident at work in which I was accused of being a bad resident and not doing my job. It is a ridiculous accusation, but I spent all day crying over it. With all the crying, I got about three hours of sleep. I am not going to get into the incident, as I do not want to get into what happened. I will be so happy when night float is over!

I saw my psychiatrist today. Despite being upset when I saw her, we discussed all my symptoms over the past several days and she has decided that I am definitely more depressed. She increased one of my medications.

I'm really tired

Last night was very hectic. There were a ton of patients to be seen in the ED and four direct admits. To top it off there was a lot of drama in the ED and on the units. I was able to get home and get to bed at a reasonable hour. The phone rang several times waking me up and the yard guy came and knocked on the door to see if I wanted my lawn mowed in two weeks. I overslept tonight. I really did not want to go into work. Hopefully, it will not be as bad at last night.

My ear is getting better

Last night was pretty hectic. At least it was not overwhelming. The patients showed up one right after the other. I had an appointment with ENT this morning. My ear is 95% healed and I can almost let the doctor clean out my ear without squirming.

A week of working nights

I started Night Float, oh joy! I do not respond well to handling suicidal patients for a full week and having my sleep and work schedule disrupted. Hopefully I will make it through the week.

Heath played golf this morning and I spoke to him before I came into work. He accidentally left his jacket at my house, so I guess we will have to find a time when he can come over to retrieve it. It is supposed to get colder later in the week.

Heath was inquiring about my vacation schedule. I think he might take a long weekend and go to Atlanta with me. I have no clue what to do in Atlanta, but I guess I better check with my mother if Heath can come visit and then start planning a fun weekend.

Why do I have to do everything?

The day started out with an absolutely fabulous breakfast of french toast, grits, and bacon. Too bad, it took almost an hour to make. Heath seemed to enjoy it. I was able to get some housework done too including dishes and laundry. While cleaning up the kitchen, Heath started asking about my coffee maker and the cost of the K-cups. He does not drink coffee, so why should he really care. As he points out, his cokes cost more. I mentioned that BJ's wholesale had them, Heath said he needed a few items from there, so we decided to go there and pick some things up. So off we went to BJ's. First, we decided to stop at Sears so they could look at my tire. It was over inflated, so there does not appear to be a leak. The rim is a little bent, but I think it has always been bent. I need help getting the hubcap on, but so far no one has offered to help.

We went off BJ's, which can have some really good deals, but not always. Heath picked up a lot of things. He got a few food items and some jelly beans, which apparently he is not going to share. I get the feeling he has never been without a girlfriend because he had a lot of difficulty picking out toilet paper and paper towels-he told me to tell him what to get. I had planned on getting paper towels, but was unable to find any that contained recycled paper. I did get coffee though- 80 K-cups for about $36. Despite that good deal, I am not completely sold on frequenting BJ's.

Heath and I had stopped by the cinema to see what movies were playing, but found nothing that we both wanted to watch. I mentioned that we should hit some golf balls. While walking through BJ's, Heath brought up my suggestion of golf. He was ready to play a round of golf. I had to tell him that I am nowhere near ready to play on a golf course-I still can't swing the driver and only hit the ball about 80 yards with any club. I also told him that I needed golf clothes, which apparently he did too. We head to Kolh's and I got some polo shirts and he got some shorts.

Heath and I then headed back home. He was driving my car and some teenage girls waved at him. That didn't make me very happy. Once home, I changed into golf clothes and so did Heath. First however, he told me to take the tags off his clothes-honestly, what did this boy do without a girlfriend for over a year??? Wear tags on his clothes and not buy toilet paper! I took the tags off his clothes, he changed, and off we went to the driving range. I'm getting better, but I still need work. I figured we would go out for dinner and I still needed to get a few things. He started heading toward my house, which I thought he was picking up his wallet which he left in the pocket of his pants. Once at home, he informed me that he was not going anywhere else nor was he going to drive. I started to cry, not hysterically, just quietly. I had a ton of stuff to do and not a thing to make for dinner. If we are going to stick to gender roles, then he should do the driving (especially since he likes to make comments about everything I am doing wrong). We should pretend to live in Saudi Arabia and not let me have any rights.

We did go out and get dinner and finished all the errands. I put gas in the car and ended up spilling it all over me. For all those that know that I hate pumping gas, well I really hate it now.

We came home and I started copying DVDs for work. Apparently Heath was rather impressed that I could copy DVDs all by myself. I am rather insulted because it isn't that difficult. I think it might hurt his ego a little bit when I prove to be computer literate. I think I will kept to myself that I have written computer programs and also used to create webpages by writing html code.

Where's the beef?

Heath and I had plans to meet at the junkyard and then have dinner. On my way to the junkyard, Heath called to tell me that they did not have the part and that he was going home. He was mad at me because apparently I was supposed to have called to make sure they still had it. I wasn't aware of that. I persuaded him to come over. I was a little distant because I was stressed about what I was going to do with the tire. He immediately gets on his computer. I keep waiting for him to get off his computer so we could go to the store. I sent him an e-mail stating that we needed to go to the store after the junkyard. Apparently, he opened it but never read it. He played WoW while I prepared dinner. After dinner, he played more WoW. I guess maybe if I was Flower, then I would consider playing WoW a date, but I'm not and feel it is a bit disrespectful. He has an angry outburst about not being able to go to Megan's for dinner because I would not pick up meat to grill. I was unclear about why I had to be the one to pick up meat and how I was going to do that due to seeing patients all day. I also don't see why, if he had wanted to go to Megan's so bad, then why did he not go pick up the meat. I guess part of me is upset because in all my other relationships, when grilling out especially when we went over to houses of friends of the guy, the guy always got the meat. I have never been to Megan's and since Heath does not like steak and turns his nose up at porkchops, I have no clue what to pick up. I think I now know the reason, he did not pick up the meat-he appears to be clueless about what cut of meat to get. I am shocked that someone who is still a bachelor at the age of 32, does not know how to grocery shop. I am not sure if I have enough patience to teach him.

What do I have to be guilty about?

Today was going so well, I was in a good mood, despite being a full clinic day and looking forward to having dinner with Heath. I sent him a message stating that I would be leaving around 5:15. Luckily, I was able to leave around 5:00. Well traffic was horrible and around 5:20, Heath calls wondering where I am. Just a note, it takes me longer than 5 minutes to get home. It takes about 25 minutes. I told him I was on my way and would be home in about 10 minutes. He called back, which I somehow missed the call and left a message stating it apparently was not a good day to meet for dinner. I called him back and persuaded him to turn his car around and come back to my house. Once at my house, he told me that I sounded guilty and he was not pleased with this guilt-ridden tone. Well, since I had nothing to be guilty for, I was a little upset. We did go out for dinner, but it was very quiet. I don't know what is going on, but I wish he would clue me in.

Bad Day

Today was not a great day. Two of my patients became very ill today and a third went into hospice. I also learned that my clinic is double-booked for several days in the upcoming weeks. I was asked to help teach a course in Evidence-Based Medicine. I'm not sure if I will do it yet.

Heath cancelled our dinner tonight. He had a phone call and his neighbor, who was coming, had to go to a funeral.

They announced they are laying off people in our department. It is scary to see that not even medicine is safe from the bad economy. The money problem has caused the clinics to be way too busy. We have the lowest no show rate for any department. It is sad that you could be this busy and your clinic is still losing money. I don't think I will be going into private practice-it is too stressful.

Fly Away

I flew to Asheville for the day. The pilot laughed at me and said I seemed so calm in the air. I guess it is because the flights are something I really look forward to every week. It was so pretty with the snow. I thought about getting a picture, but I know it would not really capture it.

I saw a patient today who was really disappointed in seeing me. I had several strikes against me-I'm female and I'm a resident. I have to see him again in three weeks and not looking forward to hearing how incompetent I am.

When I arrived home, Heath was waiting for me. It is so nice to have a boyfriend that I don't have to wonder how he feels. He tells me and his actions speak loud and clear. He misses me when we are apart, but not in a smothering or possessive way. He is so attentive and he also knows when I need to be left alone.

Ellis left my book in my door. It is obvious he never wants to see me again. I wonder if he feels bad for the way he treated me, especially when Flower was sick. He definitely is troubled. I have enough drama in my job, I definitely didn't need it in my personal life. After meeting Heath, I realize what I deserve and know that I don't have to put up with garbage.

Heath told me that one of his co-worker's daughters is having surgery for a chiari malformation tomorrow. The girl is very nervous about the surgery and so is her father. Heath told the co-worker that I had the surgery. I wasn't nervous about the surgery before it happened. I was too caught up in all the symptoms and how miserable I was. If I had to have the surgery again though, I probably would be nervous. I told Heath that if they needed someone to talk to, they could give me a call.

Did I make a mistake?

I told Heath about my bulimia. I don't know how he feels about it, but I tried to stress that I have done well for so long and I am doing well now. Several days of purging should not change that.

We had snow today, so Heath did not come over this evening, nor did Ellis return my book. In a phone call to Heath, he told me how much he missed me-no prompting on my part. I hope he was sincere and I hope that the purging has not changed his mind. I feel like he trully cares for me and I guess if he does trully care for me then he would not leave me over this health problem.