Dating is so confusing

Well, as predicted, the day got off to a slow start. Heath and I went to Breadman's for breakfast. Neither of us really cared for our meal. We then went to Lowe's and Wal-Mart looking for space heaters. He became angry because at Wal-Mart, I would not ask if they had any space heaters. Once we got into the car, he punched my house into the GPS and sped off. I asked if we could go to Home Depot and he said no. When we got to my house, I got ready to get in my car, thinking he would go with me. He grabbed his computer and got in his car to go home. Upon seeing this, I slammed the front door so hard, the house shook. I called him and asked why he wouldn't help me, but he didn't really respond and told me bye. I called three times and he didn't answer. At this point, I was feeling a lot of things-actually I had been feeling them all day-I really wanted to cut and purge. My depression has become so bad that I really just want to die. I am trying to reach out for help, but I feel so overwhelmed. Well, I called my mother, asked her about heaters and when Heath finally called me back, he agreed to help me if I went to the mall up by his house. We met at the mall got the heater and a cinnamon bun (his idea) and then we went to a bar and I bought him a beer. We definitely need to work on our communication skills-I love him, but there are a few things that are driving me crazy!

I learned today that Ellis is in a relationship. Oddly enough, all I can think is she must be insane to want to be with him. I realize that I dated him, but he is broke, is losing money in his business, his father is a convicted felon for trying to kill his mother, he drinks constantly, and he seems kind of gay. I guess everyone has their prince charming and maybe he is her prince.

When I got home from Raleigh, Paul called me. We talked for about 2 hours, which is weird because when we were dating, he really didn't like being on the phone. I miss him, not in a romantic way, but in a friend way. I don't think he ever thought of me in more than a friend way despite the fact we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He became my friend on Facebook and it was kind of upsetting that he was saying things to another girl that he used to say to me and was using his nicknames for me for her. I know-I have Heath and I should not be upset, but it is upsetting to learn that you were not special.

Revenge of the sinuses

Well, I finally went to the doctor today and it turns out that I have had a sinus infection for 2 months. No wonder my headache will not go away. Well, I started on antibiotics, which will hopefully help.

I made jambalaya for Heath for dinner. He had several helpings, so I am thinking he liked it. We then went to go see the movie Push and we didn't get home until midnight. Now, I know I will be too tired to do anything tomorrow.

How important am I?

Tonight I was asking Heath what he had told his parents about me. He couldn't understand why I thought it was so important. He said he had mention me to his parents. I guess I am a little disappointed because I want him to go on and on about me to his parents and other people. He stated that he didn't talk about such things with his parents. I talk about him all the time to lots of people. I want to know that I am always on his mind and that I am important to him.

Today Heath brought up chiropractors. I knew he had been curious about Ellis, the chiropractor I had been dating. I told him that I did date Ellis, but it wasn't that serious and we never even considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I could tell he was upset that I had been in a semi-relationship so close to when we started dating. He asked if we broke up if that was all he would be-some guy I went on a few dates with. I reassured him that this relationship is more than any relationship and deeper than any I have had in quite a while. I am not sure if he believes me, nor am I completely sure he has the same feelings about me that I have about hum. I am unable to change the past. I just tried to reassure him that I love him and I only want to be with him.

Back in the air

I finally returned to Asheville today. The flights were marvelous-beautiful as always! My ear pain was very minimal. I saw patients at my attending's private office in the morning and then saw a new patient at the family medicine center in the afternoon. I was thinking more about the progesterone link with binge eating. A patient gained weight after starting on progesterone cream. I really need to finds some time to do some reading on progesterone. I also need to get back to studying for Step 3. My birthday gift from my parents was the registration fee for Step 3. Since I don't want to have to retake it or Step 1, I need to get myself in gear and sign up and start studying.

I met Heath's aunt and uncle this evening for dinner. They were the first family members of Heath's I had met. I think it is a good sign, especially since I haven't met very many of his friends. I am anxious to meet his parents, but I will not push it.

It's my birthday

Today is my birthday. Heath gave me my gift on Saturday. I predicted that he would get me a heart bracelet, but he did manage to surprise me with a Galileo Thermometer. We had seen one in a store and he remembered my saying that I had always wanted one since I was a little girl. I put it in my living room and it has yet to register a temperature higher that 64 degrees. The bracelet is gorgeous. It is a silver link bracelet with a heart charm. He wrapped it is a yellow bag with yellow tissue paper with a metal tag that read "Just For You." My most favorite part of the gift, however was the card. It reads: "You're My Beautiful Surprise. The last thing I expected was to find a woman like you. But here you are, sharing life with me, waking up my heart with your sweetness, filling my world with a love more tender than I ever dreamed of. Being with you brings a sense of contentment that only you can give. And in return, all I can do is promise to love you- with all my heart, the best way I can. Happy Birthday Love, Heath... "

Today, Heath took me to Taco Bell for dinner-that's what I wanted. Then he got me a yummy cake from Cold Stone-it was a Chocolate Chipper cake.

It was an absolutely fabulous day-with lots of birthday wishes. The only sad part is my father didn't wish me a happy birthday. Tomorrow will be a great day. I return to Asheville and then for dinner I will be meeting Heath's uncle-it will be the first family member of Heath's for me to meet. His uncle requested to meet me after seeing my Facebook posts. Hopefully, I will win over Heath's family.

Country Roads Take Me Home

Heath and I returned home today. We slept in until about 9:30 and then we had breakfast at Grits Grill. It wasn't that great and was not a place I would recommend. The food was too salty and mine tasted fishy, despite ordering Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast. We left Nags Head around 1:00pm. We passed by Mackey's Landing Firearms and of course Heath wanted to stopped. I don't have a problem with guns, but today looking at this massive collection of guns my thoughts wandered to CLB. I found myself wandering how he did it and what was going through his mind and what it felt like. It was definitely overwhelming and I was very happy that after about five minutes, Heath wanted to leave. The ride home was pretty uneventful. We stopped in Rocky Mount and I had a hot fudge sundae from McDonald's. We arrived to Heath's and I found that I had a flat tire. Heath filled the tire with air and informed me that I need a new rim. I'm not excited by the news. Hopefully, I will figure out where to get a new rim.

My Birthday Trip

Heath and I had a wonderful day on the Outer Banks today. We woke up around 8am and headed out to find breakfast around 9:30am. Heath's two favorite breakfast places were closed, so we ended up eating at a Western Sizzlin-which was okay, but nothing to really write about. We then decided to head to The Wright Brothers National Memorial. I have often wondered about what the Wright Brothers felt when they arrived in rural North Carolina to test their flying machines. While that really didn't get answered, I did find out how they chose who made the first flight. They took turns and apparently Wilbur's flight before the successful, wasn't something to write home about.

The Flight Path.

We then decided to drive to the Carrituck Lighthouse. It was a delightful drive. We stopped in Duck and did a little shopping. Heath bought me a an Outer Banks sticker for my car. We had some ice cream-it had a little freezer burn, but all in all it was still good. Much better than the fruit flies in my Manhattan the night before at Pirate's cove. We arrived at the Carrituck to find that the lighthouse was closed for the season. That is why the picture below is not all that great. It is definitely a place that I would like to visit. There were several buildings around the lighthouse that were restored and look like they would be interesting.

Heath and I then decided to head to the Bodie Island Lighthouse. It is close to his father's house in Nags Head. The surrounding area was clear, which made for a better picture.

We headed over to the marina that Heath and his family go to when they have their Thanksgiving fishing holiday. There wasn't too much to see. It was much too cold for most people to fish. Only four boats had gone out that morning and none had returned yet. I did snap a picture of Heath's car. We took his 350Z instead of the Highlander. It is a very fun car, even if I did have to grab the seat every time he accelerated.

We went back to the beach house and Heath took a nap while I took a few pictures around the house. Here is the view from the huge back deck. There are two dunes that are very difficult to see in this picture. The are at Jockey's Ridge State Park. In the warmer months, this is a very popular place with hang-gliders.

Heath then gave me my birthday present, which I will post more about later. We headed to The Weeping Radish Brewery for dinner. I told Heath that I wanted German food for my birthday and this is what we found. I had a pint of Black Radish and we ordered a sausage poppers, which Heath enjoyed. I had a cup of Beer, Cheese, and Bacon Soup, which was delicious. I also had Jager Schnitzel and Heath had a Sausage sampler. The food was wonderful and there were tons of it. I recommend it to anyone who is planning a trip to the Outer Banks. We returned to the beach house and watched a little bit of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and had some Limoncello. Heath then decided that we should have dessert. We went to Basnights Lone Cedar Cafe and Heath had Creme Brulee and I had Key Lime Pie. We returned to the beach house and finished watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. All-in-all it was a great day.

On our way

Heath and I drove to Nags Head tonight. I have no clue what we are doing tomorrow. Hopefully it will be fun.

Full Day

Today was another hectic day in the clinic. I ran a few errands with Heath after work. I was rambling so much to patients and attendings. My dictations are awful. Well one more day to go and then I have two whole days off!

Sleeping the day and night away.

I clearly need a day off. I slept from the time I got home today until it was time to go to bed. I am looking forward to a trip to the coast this weekend.

I don't want to take anymore call

Call was awful and now I am going to bed! I can't wait for the weekend.

Another headache

Sleeping in Heath's arms last night was wonderful. I am definitely happy with my decision. Laying there last night he asked how I felt about him. I told him that I really like them. He told me that it was difficult to tell because I seem to be always be mad at him about something. I guess that is true, but I don't tend to get upset unless I really care about something or someone. Nothing physical happened and I am still standing firm on this.

I developed a headache today-I'm sure from the stress of having to interview a patient in front of the head of my department-which was cancelled. I am stressed about being on call again tomorrow.

Sleep tight

Heath is spending the night tonight. No, I have not changed my mind about the premarital sex decision. I was sad because he had to leave early Friday night, but I knew I had to get a good night's sleep for call. He told me that he could spend the night Sunday night. I was looking forward to sleeping in his arms. I wanted time to think about it, but he wanted an answer on Saturday night. At the time, he didn't realize it was a big deal to me-I've never had anyone spend the night. Tonight, when he found that out, he apologized for pressuring me for an answer. He was wanting to get together an overnight bag and take it when he went to play golf this morning. He told me that he didn't realize what a big deal it was for me and had he known, he would have given me more time to think about it. I am happy with my decision and looking forward to sleeping in his arms.

Lovely Valentine's Day

So I am on call on Valentine's Day. It isn't too bad, but I do wish Heath would surprise me. I know the likelihood of that is one in a trillion. Especially since his actions spoke loud and clear this morning. I forgot my badge and only realized in after arriving to work with 5 minutes to spare-it takes 45 minutes round trip on a Saturday to get my badge, so there was no way I could get. I though about ways to get it and I thought "Heath doesn't have plans today, I will call him," so that is what I did. He was not happy about the wake-up call with his girlfriend crying on the line. I told him what happened and unfortunately he didn't volunteer to help, in fact he refused to do it. I would have paid for gas, bought him breakfast, but no luck. I did find another way to get the badge, but the whole day, I was upset about his actions. When you don't lend a helping hand to those you supposedly care about, can one really say they care about you?

Thumb bunny loves you

We had to celebrate Valentine's a day early due to my being on call on the actual holiday. I arrived home barely before my 5:15 deadline of arriving home. Heath arrived several minutes after me-I only had half of my make-up on when the doorbell rang. Heath arrived empty-handed, which I was a little disappointed by, but only having half my make-up on, I had other concerns. I ran back in the bathroom, put on blush and lipstick and found Heath pouring water on the cat-grr. He can't leave that cat alone-I wish the cat would not get on his car. When he came back in, he said "what is that on the table?" This is what I saw:

There was also a card and a big box of chocolates (still don't know what to do with the chocolates). The card was a thumbprint made to look like a bunny and said "Thumb bunny loves you." We then headed to the car and once we were on the road, I knew where we were going. We arrived at the Melting Pot and Heath had preordered our meal. We had a bottle of Proseco and yummy fondue. We also received tickets to a private screening of The Notebook for this Saturday, not sure if we are going to do that though because we were going to the coast for my birthday.

You give me fever

Today was a tiring day. I only slept about a total of 60 minutes divided into three 20 minute sets due to a fever and a headache. I think I might have an ear infection, but I am feeling better now, so it might have just been a little bug.

Heath has been busy making Valentine's plans for tomorrow night. I am excited to see what he has planned. With the exception of the Valentine's Day in which I fell in the lab which lead to my injury (the fall was actually on Friday the 13th) that lead to the discovery of the chiari and brain surgery, most of my Valentine's Days have been good. I hope that trend continues.

Heath again brought up the fact he doesn't know who I voted for in the presidential election. I don't see why this is such a big deal to him. I think maybe I am getting too much enjoyment from his complaining about not knowing.

I've got a crush on you

I got off of work earlier than expected around 6pm, so I drove into the city to meet Heath and his neighbor, Ann. It was a nice evening for the most part. We went to TGI Friday's, which was pretty good. Heath order a beer, which he hardly ever does, except for when we are around Ann. The conversation was pleasant for most of the evening, thankfully Heath generally doesn't tell me that I am wrong in front of people. My mother said I have to decide if I want to accept this flaw of Heath telling me I am wrong-so far the jury is still out. At one point Ann said something about sharing Heath (it was an innocent comment and I can't remember what context the sharing was-I think it was something like Heath was lucky to be out with two girls). Without thinking, I shot back with "I am not sharing Heath." I said it in a pretty catty way. I don't think of Ann as a threat, but truthfully I am not sharing and don't like any insinuation that I am going to share. When I got home, Heath called me to make sure I made it home okay. He was talking about his car ride home with Ann, who had consumed 4 glasses of wine and was a little tipsy. Apparently she asked Heath who he would rather date if she was single. He told me that he would pick me (duh, he's not an idiot). She accused him of having a crush on her-something I am not entirely convinced of either way. I do think it was an odd thing to tell me.

Heath says he has a surprise for Valentine's Day. It will be interesting to see if this plan is for Friday or for Sunday. Either way, I am excited. Too bad I am on call on Valentine's Day.

Two minute break-up

Well, Heath and I broke up for a whole two and half minutes. I blew up because he kept telling me I was wrong about how I couldn't find a cable/satellite TV deal that would save me money. I think I would know since I spent the whole day looking. He has this habit of always telling me I am wrong. Last night he told me I was wrong and that the court could order my ex to pay back the money. He figured a few days in jail would make my ex pay me back-ha! He definitely hasn't met my ex. I have looked into this-spent weeks agonizing over it and in the state of Georgia, the court will order him to pay, but they don't do anything that helps with collecting the money-technically he doesn't have to pay. Nothing would make me happier than to get my ex to pay me back, but the time and money it is going to take is something I don't have. Well, back to the break-up tonight. I told him I didn't like how he was always telling me I am wrong and screamed for him to "get out." He grabbed his computer cord (which he always leaves over here) and told me I could keep everything else. He told me that he didn't like it when I raised my voice. I told him to sit back down. We agree we have a communication problem-I don't exactly know how to fix it. I apologized for raising my voice. He said he would try working on telling me that I am wrong-of course in the conversation he again kept telling me that I am wrong. A few days ago he tried to tell me that I was wrong about Resident Physician work hour rules(I think I would be the expert in this seeing that I have to go by them), so I don't think this habit is going to be so easy to break. I do think we would be able to communicate better if I didn't constantly have him telling me that I am wrong. We got in an argument about a medical issue and since I knew I was right and he kept telling me I was wrong-I sent him an e-mail with a link to my online medical textbook to prove I was right. Now I get that I don't know every medical answer, but I know enough to have a medical degree and I think perhaps accepting somethings I say without arguing about it. I don't disagree about computer things, although sometimes I would love to-I think he must think I am an idiot in the computer department, but considering I was writing my own programs at the age of 7 and did 99% of the technical support for my labs, I can do more that Facebook and e-mail. I don't know how this is going to turn out-I am not ready to call it quits, but I am getting tired.

Doctor's Appointment

I saw my doctor this morning and I am pretty sure she wanted to admit to the hospital for purging (which unfortunately in this state is legal). Of course it would be for totally for medical reasons-hypokalemia, history of seizures. She wanted to check my blood, which of course would be totally out a whack, so I declined. She wants me to abstain from purging (duh! I would really like to) and to call her if it continues. She also wants me to see a therapist-which would be great, but unfortunately my schedule stinks-well in the fact it doesn't line up with the therapist's schedule-I am working on it. She also suggested that I stop dating Heath and start dating someone more supportive (that wasn't a huge newsflash to me). Maybe I should just take a break from dating in general, although the idea of spending my birthday alone is not appealing-maybe my mother is available. I guess I will wait and see who comes around and if someone wants to date me then fine and if not then I will get other things in order in my life.

Why bother?

Well, I ran off the road today-probably because I was crying to hard to actually see the road. I messed up my hubcap, but the car and tire seem to be fine. Earlier in the day, I had been running errands-most revolving around Valentine's Day gifts for Heath. He was playing golf this morning and said he would be finished around 2 or 3. He is expecting me to be at my house when he finishes-see last Sunday's post where he was upset that I wasn't available when he got off the golf course. He calls me around one today, I still had a few more errands. He gives me the ultimatum of be home or he is going home. I'm hungry-still hadn't eaten and had a few more things I had hoped to get done. Since I know that I won't have much of a chance to see him during the week, I go home. It was definitely the wrong decision-I was hoping we would go grab a late lunch or an early dinner, he figures he will grab a long nap on the couch. Then I mention something about going out to eat. He mentions he wants crab (okay, I'm allergic, but I figure I would look up a place for us to go-I can eat chicken or a hamburger and not complain). Then about 15 minutes late he states-"well, I need to go." I asked what about dinner and he states that he wasn't hungry. I didn't tell him goodbye and I stormed out of the house when he left.

I headed to Taco Bell to get something to eat, driving there I knew I was going to throw it back up. I don't know what has me more upset-Heath or the fact I have purged 5 times in the past week. I have beaten this purging thing for 5 years. Well, I was crying and that's when I drove off the road. I came home and called Paul. About Paul-he pays compliments-pretty much they are in a controlling pattern and it was a really unhealthy relationship. Oddly, it made me feel better. Of course I still ate the food and threw it up.

I'm not into you

I went to go see "He just not that into you" with Heath. It was a cute movie despite the fact Heath wouldn't shut up about the part of the movie of "she not that into you if she is not sleeping with you." He said he was just kidding, but of course psychology textbooks state that there is always truth in joking. I paid for the movie and then took Heath out to dinner (pretty much because I wanted to have a say in the restaurant. Several weeks ago I said something about not going to steakhouses. In general, I am not a fan of steakhouses, but at the mall there is a Firebird's which is actually pretty yummy. It is my favorite restaurant in Durham (if you don't count Nana's and Piedmont-which you have to take out a small loan to afford). Well in talking about Firebird's several weeks ago, Heath said that we could go sometime because steakhouses have other things on the menu and he likes chicken and pasta. So Heath looks at the menu and states that they don't have anything he will eat. They have chicken pasta and 6 different kind of cheeseburgers. All of which are quite delicious. He knew I was paying, so it couldn't be the $30 entree that I chose that was making him irritable. I was afraid that he was going to be truly passive aggressive and not order-he did eventually order and cheeseburger and he ate it.

My Angel Friend

Tonight Heath and I went to go see Rondney Carrington. The show was pretty good despite a few raunchy songs that I didn't appreciate. I also was upset that Heath commenting that he appreciate a girl next to us flashing her chest. I didn't think she was all that great.

Well, anyway back to the show. I posted a song that Rodney sang about a friend he lost. He ended the show with it. I thought it was a good song and it makes you appreciate those you have lost in your life. No surprise, it made me think of CLB. If I find the lyrics, then I will post them. They made me think of the impact CLB has had on my life. I have always associated Valentine's Day with CLB. A few years ago, around Valentine's Day, I was pretty depressed, I believe my bupropion had been stopped. I had been crying all night and was oblivious to the fact it was Valentine's Day. I stepped out my door to walk to work/school. Something caught my attention the corner of my eye-it was a balloon stuck in a huge tree next to my apartment. The balloon was very similar to me-it was the same design of the balloon CLB gave me for Valentine's Day 1995. For some reason it didn't make me sad-it made me smile. People can tell me it was just a coincidence, but it made me think that CLB was looking down on me and wanted me to feel better.

Needless to say CLB had a huge impact on my life. It doesn't take psychoanalysis to determine why I am a Psychiatrist. It is probably why I am willing to commit patients at the drop of a hat. There are a billion other ways CLB had an impact on my life, but I think I will it at this right now. Before I heard this song this evening, I was going to post about abusive relationships, but since I know that topic brings me down, I won't write about it now. Maybe I will post more on that topic later this weekend.

Long day!

Well, I didn't get the snow I was hoping for and all my patients showed up for clinic. Needless to say it was a busy day. The afternoon was packed full of lectures. I was very happy for 7:00pm to show up. I find my 12.5 hour days to be exhausting.

I got a random message from another resident on Facebook. It wouldn't have been so odd except for the fact I didn't know this resident. I guess I will reply back.

Heath sent me an e-mail asking if I had called into a local radio show. The topic of the morning was the octuplets. I went back and listened to the audio and the girl sounds nothing like me (or Flower for that matter). Second of all she sounded uneducated and her sister was undergoing fertility treatments. I doubt my sister is undergoing any fertility treatments. I am hurt that Heath can't identify his own girlfriend's voice on the radio.

I really wanted a waffle

It is snowing again and I am dreading going to work tomorrow. Today was a semi-productive day. I was cleaning the house until Heath called me around 2pm to tell me he was coming over because they were evacuating the building at work. I'm still not able to fly, so I am still stuck at my normal workplace on Tuesdays. I didn't have any patients scheduled, so I stayed around the house and close to my pager. I didn't get very many pages and didn't have to go into the hospital. Heath and I already had plans that he would stop by after work, just didn't know that it would be so early in the day. I quickly changed to make myself more presentable.

Earlier in the day I thought about how I would really like Mexican food or Waffle House. Well, Heath must have read my mind because he suggested we go to Waffle House. He had Mexican food for lunch. The food was fine, but the service was lacking. The Waffle House wasn't busy and there were three people working. Our drinks sat empty for most of the meal and the tables were all filthy. We looked at our food for several minutes before the waitress came back and asked if we needed anything. We politely asked for silverware which she acted like was a huge inconvenience to her. It took over two minutes to bring us forks. She then disappeared for her break as did one of the other servers. Heath flagged down the cook and asked if we could have our waffles. I miss Atlanta at times like these. Atlanta Waffle Houses are awesome because their employess train everyone else.

We came back to my house and both promptly got on our laptops. It reminded me of my sister, Flower and her ex-husband (also a computer engineer). They would come home and both would have laptops open, just typing away. I was playing on Facebook, trying to avoid real work. My friend Jimmy commented on several of my post and has been sending me messages all night. I adore Jimmy and have gone out with him multiple times over the past year despite having other "exclusive" boyfriends. He is just too irresistible. He asked me out again and at this point, I don't know what I am going to say. I do want to go out with him, but maybe just as friends at the moment.

My ear is getting better!

My day was more or less boring. I had a post-op check-up on my ear. He said it is healing beautifully and I should be able to fly in two more weeks.

I talked to Heath some, but since I am not feeling so well, I didn't grill him about anything. He offered to come by and see me for a few minutes this evening on his way home (which technically I am 30 minutes out of his way). I felt too bad to see anyone. I curled up in bed with ibuprofen and a chocolate bar. With my general foul mood the past several days, I am wondering if I was PMSing. I have a period one in a blue moon, so I am not used to the ups and downs, but in the past I have noticed that I am a total (depressed) witch the week before I have a period. Maybe I am just in a bad mood for no hormonal reason. However if the crying doesn't stop, I am going to have to purchase a bushel of cucumbers.

I don't get it

I didn't see Heath today. He called me when I was out and when I called him back 30 minutes later, he decided it was too late for him to come see me-it was 3:30!!! I don't get it. We spent most of the night on the phone, so I know he wasn't out with another girl. He also admitted that he didn't like my cooking. I have never had anyone who dislike my cooking, especially since try to make things people like. I don't know what to do. I am wondering though if I am secretly sabatoging this relationship because I am scared because I have feelings for him.