Passive aggression is soooo yesterday!

Call was not so great last night. I didn't get to sleep, so I spent the morning sleeping. Heath wanted to go to a movie, so I didn't get much sleep. I guess I will make up for it tonight. We went to go see Taken. It was an okay movie-I didn't like all the gunfire. I told Heath several weeks ago that I didn't like to see guys shot in the head. I don't think he gets it. When I see someone shot I go back to CLB's death. Even though I wasn't there, I can still see it in my head.

So I spent the afternoon with Heath and despite the gunshots in the movie, I was thinking about how I might be falling in love with him. He even mentioned a possible trip to Boston in July. Then of course the date went south. To explain, I need to back up. On Wednesday, he sent me a very passive aggressive e-mail. I told him that I didn't appreciate it and it told me that I misinterpreted it. I figure, okay, maybe I did- e-mail can be difficult to communicate through sometimes.Well, tonight after the movie, I was hungry. I figured Heath would be leaving early due to a golf game tomorrow morning, so I figured I would go to Taco Bell after he left. Well we came back to my place and I mentioned that I wanted a Manhattan. So we decided to go to the ABC store, which is right next to a pizza place. Well, we decided to get some pizza. We, unfortunately could not agree on a pizza because he believes pizza should have sausage. We picked out two small pizzas. The guy asked "to go or for here." I figured we would be going back for drinks and pizza so I said "to-go." Heath said "for here." I said that I thought we should take it back, that way we could have the drinks with the pizza. Well, Heath's response was "well if that is the case we just want the Italiano (my pizza) to go." He then preceded to give me the silent treatment. Someone I dearly love is passive aggressive and I will put up with it from her, but I don't want to put up with it in a relationship. He gets mad when I snap at him, which I try hard not to do, he has got to learn that I will not put up with passive aggressiveness. I made him a drink, which he poured down the drain (death to the person who wastes my Maker's Mark!). He left after I fell asleep on the couch (hey, did you miss the part where I didn't sleep last night). He didn't call me when he got home this evening. I guess I will find out how mad he is if he doesn't call me after he plays golf. Meanwhile I am currently being asked out by a guy I met several months ago. I wish I could remember his name!!!

Love or money?

I have found the most hilarious blog: http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/ It is proving to be entertaining. I am hoping for a few more few moments so I can enjoy a few laughs. I do have to agree with it is better to date old money, however not being able to find old money in this neck of the woods, I guess I will stick with nerds who have the potential to earn money. Truth be told though, I think I might rather have love. There is a phrase I never thought I would utter since CLB. When asked in Dec 1998, I distinctly remember stating that I would marry for money-pretty much because I felt like I could never love anyone again. Ten years later and I have chosen love over money numerous times. The thought of "why can't I find both" tends not to be in my head. I guess the fact I can support myself and live the lifestyle I want plays a big part in that. Heath doesn't have money, doesn't come from money, and unless I am missing something-doesn't seem to be destined to have loads of money. I'm not saying that love is there either, but I definitely believe it could be. I have dated a few guys because of their money and was disappointed by their lack of respect of people in general and annoyed by their sense of entitlement.

I attended an interesting discussion today on Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank goodness I have the curtain of "Psychiatrist" to hide behind because my fascination with the disorder is evident in my extensive collection of books on the subject. I obtained several articles on the subject at the discussion and look forward to reading them. I guess my interest in the subject came about when my therapist in medical school pointed out how easily I dissociated. I realize it is a coping mechanism and that everyone dissociates to a degree. I can't imagine how I would have handled certain things without dissociating. I guess the point here is the degree to which dissociation disrupts your life. While I have been to the store and not recalled going to the store and I definitely had things in my cabinet from that trip that I would never in my wildest dreams care to eat, I couldn't imagine if that happened on a regular basis. I look at dissociative behavior the same as passing out from too much pain. The body couldn't handle the stimulus of pain, so the body shuts the person down, temporarily. I think dissociation is the brain/body's way of dealing with the emotional and physical stress and pain.

Well, it is almost time for check-out rounds. I am on call again tonight. The lack of sleep from call, my ear anxiety, my ear pain, and stress about life in general is getting to me. I am hoping for a few hours of sleep and maybe some good stories to pass on in my blog. My job tends not to be boring!

Why do we need labels?

I had another busy day in clinic this morning. I didn't sleep well last night and am still recovering from call. We had Grand Rounds today, which was about recovery in mental illness. I had to fight to stay awake despite that I find the topic rather interesting. The speaker sang some popular songs in his talk and I can now see why he went into Psychiatry. The debate was brought up about what to call those with mental illness. Some of the suggestions are patients, clients, people, and consumers. I have used the word/label consumer in the past, but now that I am a doctor and typically have a doctor/patient relationship with these people I am more inclined to say patient. If this was a family medicine clinic, then you would say patient, so I am not sure as to why a Psychiatry clinic with a doctor prescribing medications would be any different.

Despite being tired (pretty much because I had already said I would), I went to Heath's for dinner. His neighbor was cooking shrimp alfredo. She made chicken for me due to an annoying shellfish allergy of mine. It was raining last night, so it took me 40 minutes to get home and another 45 minutes to drive to Heath's. He said I kept staring off in space, but I had a great time. I'm sure it would have been better if the migraine and rain had stayed out of the picture.

Lava Lounge

I am delighted to hear that my blog was a topic of discussion at a dinner tonight. That means I have readers! :) That also puts the pressure on to make it much more interesting.

I don't have too much to say due to spending most of the day in bed recovering from call. I did go to a cool restaurant for dinner called City Beverage. I pass by it everyday, but have never tried it. Heath stopped by after work and suggested we go there. On the sign, it described itself as a Lava Lounge. The atmosphere was pretty neat. It was retro 60's style with lots of pictures on the walls and flowers hanging from the ceiling. The food was pretty good-I had a Turkey Burger with Brie and Apples on it. I also ordered a Manhattan, which was definitely the type of drink that belonged at this place. The menu offered many things I would love to try with the exception of rabbit sausage. I told Heath if he ordered it, then I was leaving. He got pork enchiladas, which looked very delicious. It is a place I definitely want to revisit, although I am not sure Heath was too impressed. They did have a pool table in one of the rooms, so maybe it won't be too difficult to convince him to return.

I also learned that Heath listens to Prairie Home Companion, which he can describe perfectly, but doesn't have a clue where I got the name Wobegon. I am a bit confused about that one.

I also spent the evening downloading questions for my new Trivial Pursuit game. Heath refuses to play Trivial Pursuit because he says he doesn't like the topics. I let him help me pick out categories, so he better play now. The topic of 90's music does not sound appealing to me. I guess we will wait and see. I know Flower will always be up for a game.

Boardwalk for the win

As I write this I am watching a Very Dugar Wedding. Definitely interesting perspective for a wedding-it is from the groom and his family. The bride and groom have not kissed since meeting. There was a time when I would have thought this was normal, but now I think it is kind of odd. I have definitely kissed guys that I would never want to kiss again based on the simple fact that it was a horrible kissing them. I guess the argument could be made that if the attraction and bond was there, then the kiss wouldn't be bad. I also see how my argument for kissing could be used against me in the department of not consummating the relationship.

As strange as it might sounds, I like watching the Dugar family. While I know I would never have a large family, sometimes I think it would be wonderful to have lots of kids.

So, normally I have not been watching television at night. Usually I am on the phone with Heath. He told me to call him after this show because he knew I wanted to watch it. So after yesterday's post, I didn't know what would happen today. He called this morning and we went out to Brigs for breakfast. He wanted to go to Circuit City and I wanted to go to Target. We did both and surprisingly got along great today. We played Monopoly this afternoon. I love playing board games and want someone who enjoys the same. I beat Heath, funny how having hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place can bankrupt someone. I had to be the thimble, while Heath was the dog. I was always the dog growing up, so I was a little sad about not getting the dog.

No fairytale ending

Today started well enough, although I really didn't want to get out of bed. I was alarmed to see a friend's status stating that she was alarmed by a call from my sister. So, I gave my sister, Flower, a call. During our first phone call, she denied any problems other that her new love interest declaring his undying love to her. She has been dating the new guy for a week and they met, literally, on the side of the road after her car accident two weeks ago. The new guy doesn't have a job, nor any prospects of obtaining one. While most would agree one week is too early to confess your undying love for someone, when do you realize that it is no longer lust or desire and realize it is love? I realize there is no time frame. I guess part of me still hopes for Prince Charming to walk in the door, for it to be love at first sight and for it to be happily every after. But everyone knows that Cinderella is all about the shoes.

So, Heath and I had a fight and judging by the fact I haven't heard from him in several hours, I am going to guess he is pretty upset. What gets me is that I don't think he has the right to be mad. Okay so maybe everyone in America has the right to be mad, but I don't know why he should be mad. I guess I will back up the story to say that we have spent most of our free time together and all other time on the phone. Over the past several weeks, I have had the feeling that he isn't attracted to be me. It isn't just because the only time he has put his computer down in the past several weeks was when half-naked women were on TV. I get that the Y chromosome prevents males from not looking at half-naked women. He hasn't kissed me in three weeks. So, I cut him some slack because he was sick for a week. Well, he is better now. So, I know that I am a little conservative-but that doesn't mean no kissing. He spent the afternoon pretending to be asleep on the couch. To make things worse, he laughed at me several times. He announced several times that he was going to leave and I guess decided to go after I made no comments such as "please stay and laugh at me more" and "I enjoy being rejected." To keep from bursting into tears, I had to keep playing my little motivation tape (note I don't have a real motivation tape) in my head-There is someone out there who is meant for me, who will love me more than anything, who will accept me for who I am, will respect my career, will apprecitate all I do, but not expect it because I am his wife, and *giggles* will let me keep my last name! All kidding aside, he made me feel 5 inches tall and I am sure he doesn't even understand.

Ordinary day

Not an eventful day, but since my pledge was to post everyday I thought I would say a few short words about today. Most of my patients cancelled today, so I only saw one patient today. There was plenty of drama on the voicemail though, I am never destined to have a boring day.
I went to a discussion about bioethics. I didn't say much. The phrase we should let people die if they want stands out in my mind. I had been planning on writing on this topic, but I find it too upsetting at the moment, so I think I will pass. Maybe I will revisit it in a few days.

I made dinner-rice and bean bowls-which Heath loved and devoured. We then watched a movie Baby Momma, which was cute, but predictable. Definitely lighter than Revolutionary Road, which we plan to see tomorrow. Heath wanted to watch Saw V, but I didn't want nightmares, so he watched it when he got home.

Only one at the table

I am beginning to hear more sounds! I guess the swelling is going down and the bleeding is less and less as the days go on. Today I have only had 2 Tylenol so far, so I guess I am getting better.

Clinic was okay, only half of my patients came to their appointments. I think the snow, ice, and cold are still keeping some away. I was able to meet Heath for dinner tonight. We went to Kanki. We had a table with all women, which was quite interesting. Heath has been ordering for me, per my request. One of the girls gave him the look of death when he ordered for me, but I happen to think it is a nice gesture. The waiters aren't able to hear me. It was fun to watch all the girls pay for their meals and have my date pay for mine, plus I enjoyed the company. We parted ways after dinner. He had another 9:00 phone call tonight. I guess I will talk to him before I go to bed.

Long days

Today was a long day and my first real Wednesday at since November. It usually begins with clinic, supervision, then 5.5 hours of lecture and then supervision again. I am usually beat by the time it is over. Today was no exception and it has ended with a migraine. I did spend most of the evening, however, on the phone with Heath.

I am not looking forward to clinic tomorrow-I have a full day scheduled and if it was anything like last week, then it will end with my bursting into tears. Heath wants to see me tomorrow, so hopefully I will have at least that to look forward to.

The snow is still pretty, but it is sad to see it melt. I know the high is 60 on Friday and the snow will not be around much longer.

A New Era

I dug my car out of the snow and am all ready to see my 8:00am patients. Well, maybe not mentally. Luckily, I was not called into work today. I was tired from all the not sleeping since the surgery and the large amount of stress I am feeling, so I laid down and took a nap and I do believe I slept for 3 hours straight! Of course, I missed the Inaugural parade and my best friend, Yvette's phone call. I probably would have slept until tomorrow morning if Heath hadn't called when apparently I was in a state between dreaming and could actually hear the phone. He had a phone call to China tonight and snow is keeping him on his side of town. I probably won't get to see him for several days.

The Inauguration was magnificent. I'm watching the Inaugural balls right now and the President and First Lady are just so cute! You can tell that they are in love. There were pictures from when they first started dating and they were such a cute couple-and they still seem to be acting that way now. I know I am a hopeless romantic. So back to the Inauguration, I have watched them all, with the exception of Ronald Reagan in 1981. I may have watched it, but I don't recall (I was 2). From about the age of 8 years old I wanted to be President, so I was always fascinated by the Inauguration. I am always nervous about the transfer of power, even though I know this has happened 44 times, it is still scary. I am hopeful about the new administration. After 8 years, the US is ready for a change.

Winter Wonderland

I woke up this morning to this scene:

I don't typically wake up to snow. I love snow and would move to Canada if I could. I should be at work, but I don't have any patients scheduled today. I am praying that don't call me in. Heath is telling me that there is no way I can drive into work. Did he miss the part where Hospitals and Doctors do not get snow days? Oh well, I will post more later.

I'm committed

Heath called today around 11:30am and wanted to come over. Apparently he is unfazed by the events of yesterday. He said he was too sick to work, so he came over to my house to lay on the couch and take a conference call. I have been sick since last Tuesday and he just noticed! We did run by Bed, Bath, and Beyond so I could pick up my ottoman. This trip didn't spawn any fights about name changing, although I am sure that topic is far from dead. I told my mother about the argument. She thinks he might equate name changing with commitment and the unwillingness to change my name means I would not be committed. Believe me, since I don't believe in divorce, getting married is a pretty big commitment. If name changing is needed for commitment, I guess he could always change his.

Today is MLK day, however I did not do much to commemorate it. Usually, I will turn on the ecumenical service or watch something on CSPAN-today I did absolutely nothing. I did think about CLB a lot. One of our most memorable dates occurred on MLK day. I have been thinking about CLB a more lately. I think I may have figured it out this evening-someone has come into my life who is very like him and I find that very scary. Not in the sense that I want him to be like CLB, but afraid that he will be. I will have to remind myself that they are different and just because CLB did what he did, doesn't mean the same path will be taken.

What is in a name?

So I think Heath and I might be over. We had a fight, which I would not say was a fight, it was more of a disagreement. However, it was a big disagreement. Several weeks ago it came up in conversation, that I had not planned on changing my name when I got married. Heath, being like 95% of guys, holds things in. Well, yesterday we were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (yes, I know-most girls would kill for that-a guy who would actually tag along to BBB) and he held up coasters with a "W," my last initial. He said, "look coasters for you." Now, I have a ton of coaster and am anal about people using them, but I sensed that wasn't what he was talking about. Then he said something along "well you don't like 'X'." "X" representing his last initial. I turned around, looked at him and said, "Really? You are really upset about that?" He said, "I don't think we are talking about the same thing." Knowing that we were, I decided to drop it anyway. I was already upset with him because he had made a statement about his ex-girlfriend that shows he is clearly not over her, although he claims they broke up over a year and a half ago.

I decide to drop all topics and play "nice" during dinner which was prepared by his roommate. I leave, drive home, and then call him to tell him I made it home okay. We are talking about different things and somewhere in the conversation he makes another comment about name changing. Well, after the incident at BBB, I knew I could not avoid it forever, but I thought perhaps I could wait until my headache and nausea went away. I told him I had planned on taking my husband's name socially and use my name professionally. This is a big change from my birth to about two years ago, when I had no intention of ever using my husband's name. Even as I sit here and think about it, I don't even know if I am totally satisified with my decision to use my husband's name socially.

So now to the big discussion at hand-why don't I want to change my name? First reason-I love my name. My last name (and first and middle) are the coolest names ever (in my opinion). They tell where I came from and they are my identity. My father's family is huge (>200), but only one person is actually carrying on the name. I have always known that my children would not carry on my name, but I have known, that like my sister has already done, my children will have my last name as a middle name. I was baptized with this name. Most people are baptized by "first middle," but my pastor baptized me as my whole name. Which I realize, I don't go to hell if I change my name, but it is just one more little thing that reminds me that this name is my identity. I also have an established career, in which I have published, presented at conferences, obtained a MD and a PhD, received many awards and honors and obtained licenses in my name. He also doesn't understand why I want to be called Doctor. I do have to say I find it very irritating to check my voicemail and have over 75% of the messages be directed to Ms. Wobegonrabbit and I would say 15% of the voicemails are directed to "first name." About a third of my patients don't believe that I have or ever will go to medical school-it is frustrating. When Heath is condescending about my rants (which have all been about not being called Dr while at work), it is hurtful. I spent 11 years post-high school in school pursuing two doctorates, is it too much to be called Doctor at work-related activities?

So in surfing about the name changing topic online, I came upon several interesting articles. My favorite quote comes from The Lucy Stone League:

"This tradition of name-abandonment by women is so much a part of U.S. culture, that few recognize it for what it is: a powerful instance of sex discrimination which has a major effect on women.
When girls are growing up, they see what they have to look forward to: the abandonment of their identity into the identity of another. What incentive do they have to develop their full identities in their adolescence?
In some prison cultures, inmates are given numbers and their names are taken from them. One purpose of this practice is to strip away a sense of importance and humanity from the inmates....the tradition of women giving up their names is equally damning."

Okay, so I don't think I feel that strongly about it. I am not likening myself to an inmate, but it does make a point that name=identity and I don't see why I can't add to the identity instead of subtracting from it.

I have known for many years, the hassle of changing driver's license, business licenses, passport, and social security card, but I hadn't really thought about everything else as was brought up in a CNN article. Unfortunately I can think of 20 etc. to add to list in just 20 seconds of thinking about it. I am not an 18 year old girl with nothing in my name, I am a 30+ woman who has accomplish a lot. Wonder if the new hubby would be willing to go to work for me, so I could do all this:

"The tedious legal process of switching her name took about nine months to complete. Finally, more than a year after her wedding, the 29-year-old e-mailed 160 friends and acquaintances to alert them to a new e-mail account and clarify her identity....Remember to change the title to your car, your voter registration, bank accounts, credit cards and subscriptions. Notify your college alumni office, frequent flier programs, etc."

My final note will end with this on this from a blogger on StevethePenguin. While I haven't deleted anyone, I have denied friends to receive messages of no, that so-and-so, you know them, I can't remember everyone's new name!:

"I have been pondering this question for the past month, ever since another of my female Facebook friends got married, changed her name, and made me question yet again, "who the heck is so-and-so, and why is she my Facebook friend?" It's not like these people have distinctive first names, like AnnaSophia or Weeping Willow. So when they change their last names, their past identity is practically erased. They are now someone's wife, not an individual with a valid, vibrant past. Luckily these friends can't see me in person, because the disappointment is written all over my face. It's so sad."

The conclusion, change your name if you want-I just don't think it is the right decision for me. So, is it the end to Heath? I don't know yet. I don't plan to call or e-mail. I guess he will make that decision.

Horrible, Horrible Call

Last night's call was horrible. Three direct admits came with absolutely no information except for "depression, si." The ED was packed with patients which were consulted on. When call began, 5 patients were being admitted from clinic and one turned out to be kind of complicated. The intern I was on with ROCKED! I have been on with her before and she is awesome at seeing and doing dispo for patients. Call was probably made worse by the pain from my ear and my cold, but I was too busy to dwell on that. I did get two bathroom breaks and 3 minutes to eat a sandwich while I typed a note. When 8:30am (time when the new crew takes over), we had three patients left to see and I had a few notes to finish. I was paged at 8:00 to be scolded about not have a h&p. She had a bed and was not the top priority of the night. I did see her earlier in the evening, made sure she was okay, and tried calling her mother a few times. I left between 10-10:30. I got home around 11:00 and was able to sleep for about 3 hours.

Heath called and wanted to go out. I had left something in my office and needed to go back to the hospital. We stopped by there, then got a bite to eat and rented movies. One movie was very cute (romantic comedy), of course Heath was on his computer the whole time and only set it down for the scene in the strip joint. Then we watched a horror flick (yes, I love bad horror movies-don't judge me). He didn't like it, but I thought it was fine.

To tell or not to tell

So, I am trying to publish a post for Friday, however it is already Saturday. I was not able to post yesterday due to the fact I had a very busy call night. More on that in the Saturday post. I think it will definitely go down in history as my worst psych call volume wise, but more on that later. Back to Friday's post. It was a rather busy Friday despite two of my patients not showing up. I had three hours of work left over from Thursday and at most of it was not finished by the end of Friday.

Heath is still sick. So far, knock on wood, I have stuffiness and a sore throat, but it isn't too bad. I called him at lunch to check on him and he was trying to hurry up with his work, so he could head home. On his way home an hour or so later he called, so I did get to talk to him, which definitely did brighten my day. I don't know how we got on the subject of color blindness, but I asked him if anyone in his family had color blindness. I wasn't even thinking of family history of illness, but he was on the defensive about it. Back to that in a sec. So over the past few weeks I have asked Heath about certain illnesses. I don't target in on heart disease or cancer. I go straight to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. It was more of an issue, especially with schizophrenia, at an earlier age, that the guy had a possibility of developing schizophrenia. Now it is more that our children would have schizophrenia, which is not always devastating, but it seems really scary to me. About bipolar, I am worried about meeting someone with bipolar, however I think after a few months of dating, I would figure it out. As far as children, well I have a sister with bipolar and my parents seem to be surviving. I guess I also do interrogate about history of twins in ones family which isn't always genetic. So in the past few weeks these questions have popped out of my mouth and Heath has answered. To me those questions were serious, yesterday I did not even think about the color blindness being serious. He became defensive and told me he would not tell me because I would not tell him who I voted for in the last election.

I can understand why one would want to know who their girlfriend/boyfriend voted for. I think the more important issue, however, is their stance on the issues. So, while dishonest, I have told some people I voted for one candidate and told other people I voted for another candidate. Now, I know "Thou shall not lie," but sometimes "Thou just wants to keep the peace." So, I think it is odd, that one wants to hear from my mouth who I voted for. Get to know me and it becomes pretty obvious. I am a psychiatrist and for the underdog. I want to help the underprivileged like no one's business. While I don't think necessarily think one party is for this and one is against it, I do believe one party is much better at it. I am pro-choice, so much so that I fear being excommunicated by my church. I write letters and am very vocal about it. I have helped patients obtain appointments (as well as remind them the choice included keeping their child or putting the child up for adoption-it is pro-choice). I have environmental bumper stickers all over my car, MySpace page, and various other places. Some people think Al Gore is a joke, I think he makes sense. I write countless e-mails about environmental bills to Congress, that I am probably on my Senators' "to be watched" list. I don't use compact fluorescent bulbs because I want to save money but because I cry whenever I think (or talk-so don't get me started) about mountain-top removal. While not a direct connection between bulbs and mountain-top removal, I am not always logical. If they told me wearing purple would stop it, then I would look like a grape daily. While not exactly an issue, I am a single white educated female. The majority of this demographic fall into a certain political party. I do scientific research, which is funded well by one party and horribly by another.

I do realize I send mixed messages. I am conservative in the way I act and dress. I am fairly religious and don't part with my church's views on much (yeah, I know the issue mentioned previously is a big deviation). I don't believe in premarital sex, but that doesn't mean I only want abstinence taught in school Do you know how I felt when an adolescent female wanted me to show her how to use a certain barrier device and I really couldn't. Of note, I did find someone to show her. I really think I should have learned that somewhere and perhaps before medical school, like how about when half of my high school class was becoming pregnant and a percentage of them contracting STD's.

So, I don't know if I will ever tell anyone who I voted for (although, given my stance I think a little obvious). I have never told, except post-brain surgery where I revealed I didn't vote for Bush. I honestly don't think that was a shock to anyone. I think people need to focus on the issues. Elections come and go and you don't always get what you want, but that doesn't mean that you have to be silent in the corner...

Why am I such an idiot?

Work did not go well today. By noon I was 45 minutes late by the last patient. After catching up and almost passing out from pain/nausea/??? in the bathroom I see the 1:00 patient. By the last afternoon patient, I am once again 45 minutes behind. I am facing another 3 hours of work including dictations. I usually get dictations finished between patients and get scripts called in, which I did manage to do :) I was in so much pain and in tears from depression that I walked out. I wanted a car to hit me on the way across the street. I try to think back and I can't recall when I have hated my job so much. Heath reminded me that it is just a stepping stone. I can recall hating supervisors, but I can never recall waking up and actually not wanting to get out of bed because I did not want to do my job. I can't figure out what it is that I hate about it though. Heath suggested that maybe it is because I feel so miserable. I waved that off. The more I think about it, I think maybe he is right. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am in pain and I can't take pain medications because that interferes with my job. I have to keep working because I can't get anyone to cover for me.

I had dinner plans with Heath, which he cancelled because he was sick. When he cancelled, I pouted. Truth was I was too scared to be alone, but we are too early in the relationship for him to know that. I was (still kind of am) feeling incompetent, but have now spent several hours talking to Heath, my mother, and my sister. Things don't seem so bad. I wish I could remember these times when I stop taking my antidepressant. Maybe I should make myself read my journals and blogs every week as a reminder to myself what I am like on and off medicines just like I remember what a pain it is not to be able to drive, so I take my epilepsy medicine.

Heath did say he would stop by, but then he left before I got home. He sent me a text saying I took too long. I called and told him I had food and he came back. Note to self: food attracts men. I know I am a jerk. I should not have pouted and I should not have made him come over or come back especially since he is sick. I probably should tell him I have a sore throat since he is so worried about making me sick. The same person who made him sick probably made me sick. So we had Chinese food and I started crying during dinner. I'm sure he thinks I am crazy and wants to run.

I am exhausted

I had more ear surgery today and spent most of the afternoon in bed. The ear is doing better, but it is not healing as fast as we had hoped. I will not be flying to Asheville for at least another month.

I talked to Heath on the phone this afternoon. He thought I was cooking dinner this evening. Did he miss the part where I was having surgery this morning??? Specifically in the discharge instructions, the nurse told me I was not to cook. I told him that, but he did not believe me. He then pondered about do they tell men not to shoot guns and do they also tell men not to cook. Well, I am pretty sure they tell everyone not to cook and they tell you not to do anything you would not do drunk. I found his statements kind of sexist. He also said that he wanted to go eat at Moe's tomorrow night. Hello?!? I was making meatloaf because you said you did not want to go out anymore. The meat is in the freezer and even if he wants meatloaf there is no way it will be thawed. At some point this gender role discussion will have to be addressed.

I have a full clinic tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I have my first intake clinic in the morning with 4 new patients and then my geriatric clinic with 5 return patients. Mentally I do not know if I am ready for clinic, but as long as I am not in pain and not crying I should be able to do it.

Benefit of the Doubt?

Today has been a slow day. My pager did not go off, so I was very thankful for that. My ear pain has been a 7/10 for most of the day and my fever has been 100 degrees. My surgery is scheduled for 9:50am tomorrow.

I did not see Heath today, but I talked to him several times on the phone. Tonight he had dinner with his neighbor. I went to the grocery store (note the ear pain and fever) to buy food so I could make dinner for him later in the week. When I told him that I went to the store, he said that he was glad. He said he was giving me the benefit of the doubt that I have been feeling crappy since my last surgery, but that we can't keep going out. Um, excuse me, not once has he offered to make dinner. This is a two way street! Another thing I bet he has not realize yet is my work hours are pretty bad. I have been working a lighter load with the ear surgery and the holidays, but most days I don't get home until 6:00 or 7:00. It takes an hour to an hour and a half to cook dinner and a half an hour to eat. He likes to be home by 7:30 and he lives 30 minutes away. I guess we will have to figure out a schedule. Cooking every night will not work for me.

Is Bipolar Disorder real?

It is has been a rough day! It was a rough day at work and one I would rather forget. I am happy that I am able to spend the majority of tomorrow at home tomorrow. I am still unable to fly, so Asheville is still on hold. I miss Asheville, though.

My mother is coming tomorrow, so she can go with me on Wednesday for my ear procedure. While I dread all things dealing with my ear, I am not totally against this visit. The pain in my ear the past two days has been excruciating and my fear is that something may be wrong. I would go to the Emergency Department, but cost and the knowledge that they would look in my ear keeps me from going.

I went to dinner with Heath tonight. We went to Hardee's, which I will admit was not really what I wanted, but I could not think of anything to eat. I had originally wanted to cook but between the throbbing pain of my ear and the late day at work, a trip to the store did not happen. I need to start cooking for Heath. I can tell he is getting irritated at eating out every night. Tomorrow night he is having dinner at his neighbor's house. I am invited, but they are having shrimp. Skipping it seems like the most appropriate action, since I won't be able to eat the meal.

Heath said something shocking on the way to dinner-there is no such thing as bipolar disorder. I did not give him much time to explain it after he said it. Later on the phone he explained he meant that many people say they have it when they don't and use it as an excuse. He says he believes me that bipolar disorder exists, but I don't know if I believe that he believe that. He wants to know why I think it is so important. Um, I don't know, could it be because that I treat mental illness for a living! I would like my significant other to believe what I do to be important. Given my last post, I think it might be important that he believe depression is an actual disorder too. I guess time will tell. I have been in relationships where the guy did not believe in mental illness and where the guy did not believe in medicine and I can tell you those relationships did not work too well.

Heath did say something sweet tonight on the phone. He said he missed me last night. He left around 6:00pm yesterday to finish up work and to let me catch up on work. We talked off and on all evening, but he said he still missed me. I guess he probably did want me to come over. Maybe I will make it to Raleigh in the next week or so.

Depression is not good for a relationship

As I looked around my house today, something became painfully obvious. I am spiraling into a depression. Depression isn't a new concept to me. So, why does looking around my house show me that I am depressed? Because it is becoming disorganized and dirty. For the past week, my only desire has been to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I cry at the drop of the hat, which in my profession is not a good thing. The patients don't ever seem to have a happy story. I am on anti-depressants, although the better statement would be that I am prescribed anti-depressants. Taking them regularly has not been on my priority list in the past several weeks. I started back on them today.

The last time depression reared its ugly head, I let it take over and my relationship and job suffered. I cried and didn't clean-two things the ex could not deal with. I was suicidal, but not so deep that I could not stop myself from actually ending things. The relationship was not the cause of the depression, just the victim. I could not deal with life and he could not deal with someone who was not cheerful. I think it was pretty much doomed from the beginning because he was my rebound guy and I can not name much we had in common.

So, now back to the current relationship with Heath. He calls to wake me up at 9:30am to tell me that his golf game had been cancelled and he was on his way over. Part of me was happy, but then part of me was wanting to pull the covers over my head. I did not fall asleep until 3:00 am and I woke up at 6:00am and spent an hour trying to ease my ear pain, so 9:30 was a wee bit early. I still needed to shower and I am definitely not at the point were he needs to see me in no make-up and worn out clothes. Due to the depression last year, no make-up and jeans/T-shirts reared there head too early. While they meant to say, "I am too tired to care what I look like," the message to the boyfriend was probably more of "You are not worth my dressing up and looking nice." Definitely don't want Heath to get that impression. I get up and hurriedly shower, dress, put on make-up, etc. All the while thinking a cup of coffee would be nice and dream of nice breakfast. He knocks on the door, I answer, he comes in and heads for the couch. He promptly closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. I head to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. There are no spoons in the drawer, a sign that the dishwasher needs to get to work. I clean out the fridge, run the dishwasher and drink a cup of coffee. Heath wakes up and asks me what I want to do. It is clear he would rather be playing golf, but my ear is not going to be okay with 40-something temperatures. Along with my depression is indecisiveness. Think of it this way-I don't feel like doing anything, so how in the world am I to make a decision about what I want to do! It is decided that we are going to Waffle House for breakfast (at noon), which is fine with me because eating hasn't been in the plan all morning. After that we head to Home Goods and Target to look for a storage ottoman, because thanks to all the Wii accessories, my coffee table looks like it has been taken over by adolescent boys. No luck finding a storage ottoman that I can afford. When we arrive to my house, he makes me watch a golf DVD while he plays Zelda. The golf video is word-for-word the book I am already reading, so when the computer turns off by itself, I gladly stop watching the video. I guess I need to find a way to say-I do want to play golf and not knowing how is not what is stopping me. Not having the right clothes, not being able to hit the ball very far, and the cold temperatures are the roadblocks. I would gladly go to the driving range today, but it is too cold and my ear is throbbing. So he spends the afternoon playing Zelda while I lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. Probably not the most exciting afternoon, but for a depressed girl it worked. As he left, he invited me to go to his place, sit on the couch, and stare at the ceiling. Okay, so he left out the ceiling part, but I am sure he finds me staring at the ceiling a little odd. I did not go to sit on his couch though, I still had paperwork to do for work for tomorrow, so I stay home.

This afternoon made me think about what to say. I am obviously depressed and if Heath hasn't noticed something is wrong, then he needs to figure out how to raise his EQ. When my depression wasn't so obvious, my mother told me not to share the depression piece of my life with Heath. That seems deceitful, since apparently I could relapse at any time (and yes, I realize it is my own fault for not taking my meds). How much do I tell? Does he really need to know that I tried to jump out a window a month after CLB's death. My first year of med school, where I only left my room to go to class and anatomy lab and lost 25lbs was not a proud moment in my life and something I don't want to share so early in a relationship. What kind of message does that send? How do you work that in? "Oh yeah, of course I want children. I hope you will be a great father because sometimes I get so depressed I don't leave my room and I stop eating." Actually my depression has become better and I catch it before it happens, but how do I convince him of that? So tonight I told him that I restarted my anti-depressants. Hopefully he won't freak out and he will ask questions. I guess we will see....

Was it the movie or is there a spark there?

So, I am not new to blogging, but it has been several years since I have had the desire to write in a blog. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I wanted to start journaling. Today, while watching a movie (actually the stupid commercials prior to the previews), I thought I should start blogging again.

I am pretty sure no one would find my life interesting, so for now I am not publicizing that I have a blog.

Today was a great day, although definitely different than I thought it would be a month ago. I knew I would be going to an alumni event, but I thought it would be for ND and not for a school I actually went to. A little difficult to explain, but as you can imagine there is a guy involved. A little over a month ago, I met a guy who goes to the UT alumni events. The odd thing about that though, he didn't go to UT. As far as I can tell, he isn't even a UT fan. The other day he asked me what a Vol was. I had to laugh as I explained. If I was honest, I haven't a clue what his school mascot is. I mean I know the name, but I don't know what Hokie means. Now after reading the explanation-I am pretty sure that I still can't tell you. I could not imagine finding a guy who likes to watch UT sports that wasn't an SEC fan. I figure moving to a land where basketball is a religion and no SEC schools, I would not date guys who could sit through a UT game without squirming. I went out with a guy last basketball season who could not understand why I wanted to spend my birthday watching the UT-Memphis game. Hello!!! It was #2 playing #1 and definitely a big deal in my book. Luckily, I did get to watch it, after staying up all night the night before for call, coming home late, dressing up for dinner (being upset because reservations weren't made), and rushing home just in time for the start of the game. Well, enough about that-let's get to the new guy. So, it was his idea that we go watch the game! In fact a month ago, he wanted our first date to be watching a UT game and he did not even know I was a Vol fan! There was no game that day and we played putt-putt (which by-the-way is an absolutely fabulous first date even if it is 44 degrees). So today we went to the Alumni Association's viewing of the UT game and watched UT beat Georgia (which is wonderful, since I have spent a good part of my life in Georgia).

After the game, he wanted to take me to a movie that I had been talking about since it was released. At this point, I feel like I should give him a name and since I don't plan to use real names (to protect the innocent), I should make one up. Well, it is late and I can't come up with a good name. I guess I will call him by male pronouns for this post and come up with a good name in the next few posts. So, we went to see Marley and Me. Great movie-I highly recommend it. Now, I am not sure if it is the movie or the fact I am very enamoured with this guy that I have spent the past several weeks with. During the movie, I imagine what my life would be like if it was with him and then I try to imagine it without it and the scary thing is-life seems like it would be very sad without him. Maybe it is the newness of the relationship. Now I am thinking-He can't know about this blog because I am sure the phrase about imagining my life with him would surely scare him away. It has only been five weeks for goodness sakes! I get butterflies when he walks in the room. The last time I felt that way-1998! The phrase-you realize why every other relationship failed seems to be clearer. Now, I am not totally certain that every relationship failed because he is the ONE. I still don't know about that, but what I do know is that he is the first guy since CLB to treat me with respect and has self confidence that doesn't make him freak out about my accomplishments. Maybe he is the reason I am in NC. If I didn't meet him for a long term relationship, he definitely has made me realize that I have been dating losers and I definitely deserve better. Now, I am not saying that all the guys I dated were losers-definitely not the case-although there were a few!

Well, it is late and I need sleep. I am recovering from surgery and in too much pain to think clearly. There is so much to say and yet my ability to organize is impaired by my sleepiness. I am sure I will post more about my new relationship as well as other aspects of my life in the days to come.