All things must come to an end

Hmm, looking at my page, I am wondering why my ads are not in English. No wonder no one clicks!

I just found out Heath's nephew is going on the trip. It bothers me that I am sharing a room with Heath and it bothers me what message I am sending his nephew. I know I should get over this, but I am having a difficult time doing so.

My second year is almost up. Today, I had my last trip to Asheville. While I enjoyed the flying, the people, and the experience, I definitely will not miss the early morning and the long rushed Tuesdays. I will also not miss being away from campus and the multiple voicemails and e-mails that always awaited me on Wednesday morning. I am looking forward to the end of call-which should happen shortly. Third year will be a challenge, but at least I get to face it with a full night of sleep every night. I will be juggling clinic and inpatient work everyday, but I think I am up to the challenge. I was very content on the Psychotic Unit several weeks ago, so I believe no call and doing some inpatient work will make me a happy resident.

I'm frustrated

Well, night float is over. Thankfully, I will not be working nights for a week at a time in the next two years. I wished I could have slept the whole weekend, but apparently it was not meant to be. I did get on the WiiFit 3 of the 5 days that I was post night float. I also worked out yesterday. I missed Saturday-Heath was at the house and we had a lot of errands to run. I think my tiredness combined with Heath's cranky mood made for a bad weekend-we fought the majority of the time. He has a sense of humor where he makes little remarks that can be mean. I believe it was once said that all jokes contain some truth, so I find his remarks to be mean sometimes-especially when I haven't slept. Joking aside, I was also upset that he expected me to go to the store and cook dinner Friday night-I had slept 6 hours in a 72 hour period and had only eaten 10 animal crackers in a 25 hour period-I was looking forward to eating something I did not cook. The solution was for Heath to eat Beefaroni. Saturday night, I started preparing dinner. I asked Heath if he would eat it-I fixed a Mexican dish and he only took one small bite. I have never had a person not eat my cooking so this frustrates me to no end. I am trying to make things I think he will eat.

Heath became mad because I was on the phone with my father and I told my father that Heath hates my cooking and once again was not eating what I fixed. Heath became mad and said that was turning my father against him and this relationship would not work if I talk about him to my parents. Heaven forbid that he find this blog. I guess I will try to make an effort not to blog about him. I honestly do not think the relationship will work if he demands me to cook and then does not eat my cooking. Looking into the future, how do you explain to your children that they have to eat the vegetables at the dinner table when Dad opens a can of pasta and eats it over the sink? My mother suggests I make "simple things," but I am having trouble even finding simple things he will eat.

We spent the weekend watching True Blood. Heath enjoyed it, so we ended up watching 9/12 episodes. Well at least entertaining him is easy.

Tiredness

I am so tired of being on call. I am looking forward to a life (or at least a year) where I can sleep at night. I know that I chose this profession, but at the time I do not think I fully realized the effect sleep deprivation would have on me-especially with the Chiari and Epilepsy.

I am becoming more nervous about meeting Heath's father next week. What makes it worse is Heath and I will be sharing a hotel room. I definitely do not want Heath's family to get the wrong idea about me. The truth is that I am unable to afford a second hotel room.

I would like to play some golf this weekend, but looking at my schedule, I do not know when we will be able to fit it in. I guess we can always go to the driving range.

I can not stop thinking about a friend of mine whose 6 month old daughter passed away. It is amazing to me that in 2009, the number of children under the age of 1 that die each year. Working in the hospital, I am aware that babies die, but it does not register until someone you know experiences such a horrible loss.

Is This Love That I'm Feeling?

I guess I need to get back to updating my blog since apparently people want to know what is going on with me. Life has been extremely busy lately and I have been trying to figure out transitioning from second year to third year in my residency program. I am looking forward to the end of night float and call.

I have had a slow night, so some of it was spent surfing the web. I have found the perfect wedding photographer-no I am not planning a wedding-but if I was, I would definitely give her a call. Her photographs are amazing- RebeccaClaire. I read some of her engagement stories, which made me misty-eyed. Proposals have never made an emotional impact on me, but I think that is perhaps because I never really cared about people finding love. Well, until now. So, what happened? I met someone-well actually I met someone six and a half months ago-and just about every post on this blog is about him. I am head over heels for Heath. I knew I loved him, but I came to this realization of head over heels about a week ago when I was waiting for him to finish playing golf, so we could go play golf. We had spent the previous day at a barbecue with all my co-workers. He was the first boyfriend I had introduced to co-workers. I never really cared to introduce the others to anyone. The others met my parents pretty much just because my parents were in town. I did not care for anyone to meet my sister, who I consider to be the most important person in my life-that should have been a wake-up call to how not important they were. I do not think Heath got the importance of going to Knoxville when we went the first time until he realized on the way home that no one had been to Knoxville with me. At the barbecue, he was wonderful and everyone loved him. While waiting for him to finish his golf game, I couldn't stop thinking about him-the dinner on Friday, the barbecue on Saturday, and the upcoming golf game that afternoon. I am so happy when I am with him. I am excited when I see him at the door and I am sad when the dates are over and he is walking to his car. I sent him an e-mail on Sunday night trying to tell him my feelings, but I definitely did not do my feelings justice.

Just one little problem. I am so scared of scaring him off and my sister did not help with these fears. We joke about marriage-he started these jokes, but she made several comments about it. I am also scared about the way I feel, so much so that I just want to run away to prevent being hurt. The way I feel about Heath fails in comparison with the way I feel about any other guy with the exception of CLB. I did not think it was possible for me to feel this way again. I wish the fears that he is just going to up and leave would just go away. He reassures me all the time, but it does not help much. I think my biggest fear is that he is going to die and I do not want to go through that again.

Well, forgive my rambling post. I will try to update more regularly. I do have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to say it.