So I think Heath and I might be over. We had a fight, which I would not say was a fight, it was more of a disagreement. However, it was a big disagreement. Several weeks ago it came up in conversation, that I had not planned on changing my name when I got married. Heath, being like 95% of guys, holds things in. Well, yesterday we were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (yes, I know-most girls would kill for that-a guy who would actually tag along to BBB) and he held up coasters with a "W," my last initial. He said, "look coasters for you." Now, I have a ton of coaster and am anal about people using them, but I sensed that wasn't what he was talking about. Then he said something along "well you don't like 'X'." "X" representing his last initial. I turned around, looked at him and said, "Really? You are really upset about that?" He said, "I don't think we are talking about the same thing." Knowing that we were, I decided to drop it anyway. I was already upset with him because he had made a statement about his ex-girlfriend that shows he is clearly not over her, although he claims they broke up over a year and a half ago.
I decide to drop all topics and play "nice" during dinner which was prepared by his roommate. I leave, drive home, and then call him to tell him I made it home okay. We are talking about different things and somewhere in the conversation he makes another comment about name changing. Well, after the incident at BBB, I knew I could not avoid it forever, but I thought perhaps I could wait until my headache and nausea went away. I told him I had planned on taking my husband's name socially and use my name professionally. This is a big change from my birth to about two years ago, when I had no intention of ever using my husband's name. Even as I sit here and think about it, I don't even know if I am totally satisified with my decision to use my husband's name socially.
So now to the big discussion at hand-why don't I want to change my name? First reason-I love my name. My last name (and first and middle) are the coolest names ever (in my opinion). They tell where I came from and they are my identity. My father's family is huge (>200), but only one person is actually carrying on the name. I have always known that my children would not carry on my name, but I have known, that like my sister has already done, my children will have my last name as a middle name. I was baptized with this name. Most people are baptized by "first middle," but my pastor baptized me as my whole name. Which I realize, I don't go to hell if I change my name, but it is just one more little thing that reminds me that this name is my identity. I also have an established career, in which I have published, presented at conferences, obtained a MD and a PhD, received many awards and honors and obtained licenses in my name. He also doesn't understand why I want to be called Doctor. I do have to say I find it very irritating to check my voicemail and have over 75% of the messages be directed to Ms. Wobegonrabbit and I would say 15% of the voicemails are directed to "first name." About a third of my patients don't believe that I have or ever will go to medical school-it is frustrating. When Heath is condescending about my rants (which have all been about not being called Dr while at work), it is hurtful. I spent 11 years post-high school in school pursuing two doctorates, is it too much to be called Doctor at work-related activities?
So in surfing about the name changing topic online, I came upon several interesting articles. My favorite quote comes from The Lucy Stone League:
"This tradition of name-abandonment by women is so much a part of U.S. culture, that few recognize it for what it is: a powerful instance of sex discrimination which has a major effect on women.
When girls are growing up, they see what they have to look forward to: the abandonment of their identity into the identity of another. What incentive do they have to develop their full identities in their adolescence?
In some prison cultures, inmates are given numbers and their names are taken from them. One purpose of this practice is to strip away a sense of importance and humanity from the inmates....the tradition of women giving up their names is equally damning."
Okay, so I don't think I feel that strongly about it. I am not likening myself to an inmate, but it does make a point that name=identity and I don't see why I can't add to the identity instead of subtracting from it.
I have known for many years, the hassle of changing driver's license, business licenses, passport, and social security card, but I hadn't really thought about everything else as was brought up in a CNN article. Unfortunately I can think of 20 etc. to add to list in just 20 seconds of thinking about it. I am not an 18 year old girl with nothing in my name, I am a 30+ woman who has accomplish a lot. Wonder if the new hubby would be willing to go to work for me, so I could do all this:
I decide to drop all topics and play "nice" during dinner which was prepared by his roommate. I leave, drive home, and then call him to tell him I made it home okay. We are talking about different things and somewhere in the conversation he makes another comment about name changing. Well, after the incident at BBB, I knew I could not avoid it forever, but I thought perhaps I could wait until my headache and nausea went away. I told him I had planned on taking my husband's name socially and use my name professionally. This is a big change from my birth to about two years ago, when I had no intention of ever using my husband's name. Even as I sit here and think about it, I don't even know if I am totally satisified with my decision to use my husband's name socially.
So now to the big discussion at hand-why don't I want to change my name? First reason-I love my name. My last name (and first and middle) are the coolest names ever (in my opinion). They tell where I came from and they are my identity. My father's family is huge (>200), but only one person is actually carrying on the name. I have always known that my children would not carry on my name, but I have known, that like my sister has already done, my children will have my last name as a middle name. I was baptized with this name. Most people are baptized by "first middle," but my pastor baptized me as my whole name. Which I realize, I don't go to hell if I change my name, but it is just one more little thing that reminds me that this name is my identity. I also have an established career, in which I have published, presented at conferences, obtained a MD and a PhD, received many awards and honors and obtained licenses in my name. He also doesn't understand why I want to be called Doctor. I do have to say I find it very irritating to check my voicemail and have over 75% of the messages be directed to Ms. Wobegonrabbit and I would say 15% of the voicemails are directed to "first name." About a third of my patients don't believe that I have or ever will go to medical school-it is frustrating. When Heath is condescending about my rants (which have all been about not being called Dr while at work), it is hurtful. I spent 11 years post-high school in school pursuing two doctorates, is it too much to be called Doctor at work-related activities?
So in surfing about the name changing topic online, I came upon several interesting articles. My favorite quote comes from The Lucy Stone League:
"This tradition of name-abandonment by women is so much a part of U.S. culture, that few recognize it for what it is: a powerful instance of sex discrimination which has a major effect on women.
When girls are growing up, they see what they have to look forward to: the abandonment of their identity into the identity of another. What incentive do they have to develop their full identities in their adolescence?
In some prison cultures, inmates are given numbers and their names are taken from them. One purpose of this practice is to strip away a sense of importance and humanity from the inmates....the tradition of women giving up their names is equally damning."
Okay, so I don't think I feel that strongly about it. I am not likening myself to an inmate, but it does make a point that name=identity and I don't see why I can't add to the identity instead of subtracting from it.
I have known for many years, the hassle of changing driver's license, business licenses, passport, and social security card, but I hadn't really thought about everything else as was brought up in a CNN article. Unfortunately I can think of 20 etc. to add to list in just 20 seconds of thinking about it. I am not an 18 year old girl with nothing in my name, I am a 30+ woman who has accomplish a lot. Wonder if the new hubby would be willing to go to work for me, so I could do all this:
"The tedious legal process of switching her name took about nine months to complete. Finally, more than a year after her wedding, the 29-year-old e-mailed 160 friends and acquaintances to alert them to a new e-mail account and clarify her identity....Remember to change the title to your car, your voter registration, bank accounts, credit cards and subscriptions. Notify your college alumni office, frequent flier programs, etc."
My final note will end with this on this from a blogger on StevethePenguin. While I haven't deleted anyone, I have denied friends to receive messages of no, that so-and-so, you know them, I can't remember everyone's new name!:
My final note will end with this on this from a blogger on StevethePenguin. While I haven't deleted anyone, I have denied friends to receive messages of no, that so-and-so, you know them, I can't remember everyone's new name!:
"I have been pondering this question for the past month, ever since another of my female Facebook friends got married, changed her name, and made me question yet again, "who the heck is so-and-so, and why is she my Facebook friend?" It's not like these people have distinctive first names, like AnnaSophia or Weeping Willow. So when they change their last names, their past identity is practically erased. They are now someone's wife, not an individual with a valid, vibrant past. Luckily these friends can't see me in person, because the disappointment is written all over my face. It's so sad."
The conclusion, change your name if you want-I just don't think it is the right decision for me. So, is it the end to Heath? I don't know yet. I don't plan to call or e-mail. I guess he will make that decision.
The conclusion, change your name if you want-I just don't think it is the right decision for me. So, is it the end to Heath? I don't know yet. I don't plan to call or e-mail. I guess he will make that decision.
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