Why bother?

Well, I ran off the road today-probably because I was crying to hard to actually see the road. I messed up my hubcap, but the car and tire seem to be fine. Earlier in the day, I had been running errands-most revolving around Valentine's Day gifts for Heath. He was playing golf this morning and said he would be finished around 2 or 3. He is expecting me to be at my house when he finishes-see last Sunday's post where he was upset that I wasn't available when he got off the golf course. He calls me around one today, I still had a few more errands. He gives me the ultimatum of be home or he is going home. I'm hungry-still hadn't eaten and had a few more things I had hoped to get done. Since I know that I won't have much of a chance to see him during the week, I go home. It was definitely the wrong decision-I was hoping we would go grab a late lunch or an early dinner, he figures he will grab a long nap on the couch. Then I mention something about going out to eat. He mentions he wants crab (okay, I'm allergic, but I figure I would look up a place for us to go-I can eat chicken or a hamburger and not complain). Then about 15 minutes late he states-"well, I need to go." I asked what about dinner and he states that he wasn't hungry. I didn't tell him goodbye and I stormed out of the house when he left.

I headed to Taco Bell to get something to eat, driving there I knew I was going to throw it back up. I don't know what has me more upset-Heath or the fact I have purged 5 times in the past week. I have beaten this purging thing for 5 years. Well, I was crying and that's when I drove off the road. I came home and called Paul. About Paul-he pays compliments-pretty much they are in a controlling pattern and it was a really unhealthy relationship. Oddly, it made me feel better. Of course I still ate the food and threw it up.

I'm not into you

I went to go see "He just not that into you" with Heath. It was a cute movie despite the fact Heath wouldn't shut up about the part of the movie of "she not that into you if she is not sleeping with you." He said he was just kidding, but of course psychology textbooks state that there is always truth in joking. I paid for the movie and then took Heath out to dinner (pretty much because I wanted to have a say in the restaurant. Several weeks ago I said something about not going to steakhouses. In general, I am not a fan of steakhouses, but at the mall there is a Firebird's which is actually pretty yummy. It is my favorite restaurant in Durham (if you don't count Nana's and Piedmont-which you have to take out a small loan to afford). Well in talking about Firebird's several weeks ago, Heath said that we could go sometime because steakhouses have other things on the menu and he likes chicken and pasta. So Heath looks at the menu and states that they don't have anything he will eat. They have chicken pasta and 6 different kind of cheeseburgers. All of which are quite delicious. He knew I was paying, so it couldn't be the $30 entree that I chose that was making him irritable. I was afraid that he was going to be truly passive aggressive and not order-he did eventually order and cheeseburger and he ate it.

My Angel Friend

Tonight Heath and I went to go see Rondney Carrington. The show was pretty good despite a few raunchy songs that I didn't appreciate. I also was upset that Heath commenting that he appreciate a girl next to us flashing her chest. I didn't think she was all that great.

Well, anyway back to the show. I posted a song that Rodney sang about a friend he lost. He ended the show with it. I thought it was a good song and it makes you appreciate those you have lost in your life. No surprise, it made me think of CLB. If I find the lyrics, then I will post them. They made me think of the impact CLB has had on my life. I have always associated Valentine's Day with CLB. A few years ago, around Valentine's Day, I was pretty depressed, I believe my bupropion had been stopped. I had been crying all night and was oblivious to the fact it was Valentine's Day. I stepped out my door to walk to work/school. Something caught my attention the corner of my eye-it was a balloon stuck in a huge tree next to my apartment. The balloon was very similar to me-it was the same design of the balloon CLB gave me for Valentine's Day 1995. For some reason it didn't make me sad-it made me smile. People can tell me it was just a coincidence, but it made me think that CLB was looking down on me and wanted me to feel better.

Needless to say CLB had a huge impact on my life. It doesn't take psychoanalysis to determine why I am a Psychiatrist. It is probably why I am willing to commit patients at the drop of a hat. There are a billion other ways CLB had an impact on my life, but I think I will it at this right now. Before I heard this song this evening, I was going to post about abusive relationships, but since I know that topic brings me down, I won't write about it now. Maybe I will post more on that topic later this weekend.

Long day!

Well, I didn't get the snow I was hoping for and all my patients showed up for clinic. Needless to say it was a busy day. The afternoon was packed full of lectures. I was very happy for 7:00pm to show up. I find my 12.5 hour days to be exhausting.

I got a random message from another resident on Facebook. It wouldn't have been so odd except for the fact I didn't know this resident. I guess I will reply back.

Heath sent me an e-mail asking if I had called into a local radio show. The topic of the morning was the octuplets. I went back and listened to the audio and the girl sounds nothing like me (or Flower for that matter). Second of all she sounded uneducated and her sister was undergoing fertility treatments. I doubt my sister is undergoing any fertility treatments. I am hurt that Heath can't identify his own girlfriend's voice on the radio.

I really wanted a waffle

It is snowing again and I am dreading going to work tomorrow. Today was a semi-productive day. I was cleaning the house until Heath called me around 2pm to tell me he was coming over because they were evacuating the building at work. I'm still not able to fly, so I am still stuck at my normal workplace on Tuesdays. I didn't have any patients scheduled, so I stayed around the house and close to my pager. I didn't get very many pages and didn't have to go into the hospital. Heath and I already had plans that he would stop by after work, just didn't know that it would be so early in the day. I quickly changed to make myself more presentable.

Earlier in the day I thought about how I would really like Mexican food or Waffle House. Well, Heath must have read my mind because he suggested we go to Waffle House. He had Mexican food for lunch. The food was fine, but the service was lacking. The Waffle House wasn't busy and there were three people working. Our drinks sat empty for most of the meal and the tables were all filthy. We looked at our food for several minutes before the waitress came back and asked if we needed anything. We politely asked for silverware which she acted like was a huge inconvenience to her. It took over two minutes to bring us forks. She then disappeared for her break as did one of the other servers. Heath flagged down the cook and asked if we could have our waffles. I miss Atlanta at times like these. Atlanta Waffle Houses are awesome because their employess train everyone else.

We came back to my house and both promptly got on our laptops. It reminded me of my sister, Flower and her ex-husband (also a computer engineer). They would come home and both would have laptops open, just typing away. I was playing on Facebook, trying to avoid real work. My friend Jimmy commented on several of my post and has been sending me messages all night. I adore Jimmy and have gone out with him multiple times over the past year despite having other "exclusive" boyfriends. He is just too irresistible. He asked me out again and at this point, I don't know what I am going to say. I do want to go out with him, but maybe just as friends at the moment.

My ear is getting better!

My day was more or less boring. I had a post-op check-up on my ear. He said it is healing beautifully and I should be able to fly in two more weeks.

I talked to Heath some, but since I am not feeling so well, I didn't grill him about anything. He offered to come by and see me for a few minutes this evening on his way home (which technically I am 30 minutes out of his way). I felt too bad to see anyone. I curled up in bed with ibuprofen and a chocolate bar. With my general foul mood the past several days, I am wondering if I was PMSing. I have a period one in a blue moon, so I am not used to the ups and downs, but in the past I have noticed that I am a total (depressed) witch the week before I have a period. Maybe I am just in a bad mood for no hormonal reason. However if the crying doesn't stop, I am going to have to purchase a bushel of cucumbers.

I don't get it

I didn't see Heath today. He called me when I was out and when I called him back 30 minutes later, he decided it was too late for him to come see me-it was 3:30!!! I don't get it. We spent most of the night on the phone, so I know he wasn't out with another girl. He also admitted that he didn't like my cooking. I have never had anyone who dislike my cooking, especially since try to make things people like. I don't know what to do. I am wondering though if I am secretly sabatoging this relationship because I am scared because I have feelings for him.