Did I make a mistake?

I told Heath about my bulimia. I don't know how he feels about it, but I tried to stress that I have done well for so long and I am doing well now. Several days of purging should not change that.

We had snow today, so Heath did not come over this evening, nor did Ellis return my book. In a phone call to Heath, he told me how much he missed me-no prompting on my part. I hope he was sincere and I hope that the purging has not changed his mind. I feel like he trully cares for me and I guess if he does trully care for me then he would not leave me over this health problem.

Doctor's Appointment

I saw my doctor this morning and I am pretty sure she wanted to admit to the hospital for purging (which unfortunately in this state is legal). Of course it would be for totally for medical reasons-hypokalemia, history of seizures. She wanted to check my blood, which of course would be totally out a whack, so I declined. She wants me to abstain from purging (duh! I would really like to) and to call her if it continues. She also wants me to see a therapist-which would be great, but unfortunately my schedule stinks-well in the fact it doesn't line up with the therapist's schedule-I am working on it. She also suggested that I stop dating Heath and start dating someone more supportive (that wasn't a huge newsflash to me). Maybe I should just take a break from dating in general, although the idea of spending my birthday alone is not appealing-maybe my mother is available. I guess I will wait and see who comes around and if someone wants to date me then fine and if not then I will get other things in order in my life.

Why bother?

Well, I ran off the road today-probably because I was crying to hard to actually see the road. I messed up my hubcap, but the car and tire seem to be fine. Earlier in the day, I had been running errands-most revolving around Valentine's Day gifts for Heath. He was playing golf this morning and said he would be finished around 2 or 3. He is expecting me to be at my house when he finishes-see last Sunday's post where he was upset that I wasn't available when he got off the golf course. He calls me around one today, I still had a few more errands. He gives me the ultimatum of be home or he is going home. I'm hungry-still hadn't eaten and had a few more things I had hoped to get done. Since I know that I won't have much of a chance to see him during the week, I go home. It was definitely the wrong decision-I was hoping we would go grab a late lunch or an early dinner, he figures he will grab a long nap on the couch. Then I mention something about going out to eat. He mentions he wants crab (okay, I'm allergic, but I figure I would look up a place for us to go-I can eat chicken or a hamburger and not complain). Then about 15 minutes late he states-"well, I need to go." I asked what about dinner and he states that he wasn't hungry. I didn't tell him goodbye and I stormed out of the house when he left.

I headed to Taco Bell to get something to eat, driving there I knew I was going to throw it back up. I don't know what has me more upset-Heath or the fact I have purged 5 times in the past week. I have beaten this purging thing for 5 years. Well, I was crying and that's when I drove off the road. I came home and called Paul. About Paul-he pays compliments-pretty much they are in a controlling pattern and it was a really unhealthy relationship. Oddly, it made me feel better. Of course I still ate the food and threw it up.