Shouldn't I have all of this?

Today, I dump Heath. He left this morning without saying bye which made me really angry. I did not hear from him the rest of the day. He called me later on in the evening. I think he spent the day playing video games-he told me he was going to the movies with his neighbor-which I knew was not the truth because his neighbor had company in town. I have decided that Heath is not attracted to me because for the past three weeks he has not even kissed me. In a relationship this early, he should not be able to keep his hands off me. I am not saying I would do anything, but he should at least want to. I told him that we should break up. He was not totally against it, but he was not for it either. I asked him if he liked me and he said of course. I told him to tell me why. He came up with two reasons-I'm nice and I like video games-the two well known foundations for a great relationship. He did not say anything about being attracted to me. He then brought up the name changing thing again. I plan to go by my husband's name socially. Why is it so important that I go by Dr. Husband's name instead of Dr. Wobegonrabbit? I am not using my maiden name because I am looking for a replacement. I have put 13 years into my career and I do not want it to disappear because when I change my name no one knows who I am. I really like him, but I do not feel like he feels the same way. As Mary Chapin Carpenter put it- Shouldn't I have all of this and passionate kisses?

Why do I have to do everything?

The day started out with an absolutely fabulous breakfast of french toast, grits, and bacon. Too bad, it took almost an hour to make. Heath seemed to enjoy it. I was able to get some housework done too including dishes and laundry. While cleaning up the kitchen, Heath started asking about my coffee maker and the cost of the K-cups. He does not drink coffee, so why should he really care. As he points out, his cokes cost more. I mentioned that BJ's wholesale had them, Heath said he needed a few items from there, so we decided to go there and pick some things up. So off we went to BJ's. First, we decided to stop at Sears so they could look at my tire. It was over inflated, so there does not appear to be a leak. The rim is a little bent, but I think it has always been bent. I need help getting the hubcap on, but so far no one has offered to help.

We went off BJ's, which can have some really good deals, but not always. Heath picked up a lot of things. He got a few food items and some jelly beans, which apparently he is not going to share. I get the feeling he has never been without a girlfriend because he had a lot of difficulty picking out toilet paper and paper towels-he told me to tell him what to get. I had planned on getting paper towels, but was unable to find any that contained recycled paper. I did get coffee though- 80 K-cups for about $36. Despite that good deal, I am not completely sold on frequenting BJ's.

Heath and I had stopped by the cinema to see what movies were playing, but found nothing that we both wanted to watch. I mentioned that we should hit some golf balls. While walking through BJ's, Heath brought up my suggestion of golf. He was ready to play a round of golf. I had to tell him that I am nowhere near ready to play on a golf course-I still can't swing the driver and only hit the ball about 80 yards with any club. I also told him that I needed golf clothes, which apparently he did too. We head to Kolh's and I got some polo shirts and he got some shorts.

Heath and I then headed back home. He was driving my car and some teenage girls waved at him. That didn't make me very happy. Once home, I changed into golf clothes and so did Heath. First however, he told me to take the tags off his clothes-honestly, what did this boy do without a girlfriend for over a year??? Wear tags on his clothes and not buy toilet paper! I took the tags off his clothes, he changed, and off we went to the driving range. I'm getting better, but I still need work. I figured we would go out for dinner and I still needed to get a few things. He started heading toward my house, which I thought he was picking up his wallet which he left in the pocket of his pants. Once at home, he informed me that he was not going anywhere else nor was he going to drive. I started to cry, not hysterically, just quietly. I had a ton of stuff to do and not a thing to make for dinner. If we are going to stick to gender roles, then he should do the driving (especially since he likes to make comments about everything I am doing wrong). We should pretend to live in Saudi Arabia and not let me have any rights.

We did go out and get dinner and finished all the errands. I put gas in the car and ended up spilling it all over me. For all those that know that I hate pumping gas, well I really hate it now.

We came home and I started copying DVDs for work. Apparently Heath was rather impressed that I could copy DVDs all by myself. I am rather insulted because it isn't that difficult. I think it might hurt his ego a little bit when I prove to be computer literate. I think I will kept to myself that I have written computer programs and also used to create webpages by writing html code.

What do I have to be guilty about?

Today was going so well, I was in a good mood, despite being a full clinic day and looking forward to having dinner with Heath. I sent him a message stating that I would be leaving around 5:15. Luckily, I was able to leave around 5:00. Well traffic was horrible and around 5:20, Heath calls wondering where I am. Just a note, it takes me longer than 5 minutes to get home. It takes about 25 minutes. I told him I was on my way and would be home in about 10 minutes. He called back, which I somehow missed the call and left a message stating it apparently was not a good day to meet for dinner. I called him back and persuaded him to turn his car around and come back to my house. Once at my house, he told me that I sounded guilty and he was not pleased with this guilt-ridden tone. Well, since I had nothing to be guilty for, I was a little upset. We did go out for dinner, but it was very quiet. I don't know what is going on, but I wish he would clue me in.

Fly Away

I flew to Asheville for the day. The pilot laughed at me and said I seemed so calm in the air. I guess it is because the flights are something I really look forward to every week. It was so pretty with the snow. I thought about getting a picture, but I know it would not really capture it.

I saw a patient today who was really disappointed in seeing me. I had several strikes against me-I'm female and I'm a resident. I have to see him again in three weeks and not looking forward to hearing how incompetent I am.

When I arrived home, Heath was waiting for me. It is so nice to have a boyfriend that I don't have to wonder how he feels. He tells me and his actions speak loud and clear. He misses me when we are apart, but not in a smothering or possessive way. He is so attentive and he also knows when I need to be left alone.

Ellis left my book in my door. It is obvious he never wants to see me again. I wonder if he feels bad for the way he treated me, especially when Flower was sick. He definitely is troubled. I have enough drama in my job, I definitely didn't need it in my personal life. After meeting Heath, I realize what I deserve and know that I don't have to put up with garbage.

Heath told me that one of his co-worker's daughters is having surgery for a chiari malformation tomorrow. The girl is very nervous about the surgery and so is her father. Heath told the co-worker that I had the surgery. I wasn't nervous about the surgery before it happened. I was too caught up in all the symptoms and how miserable I was. If I had to have the surgery again though, I probably would be nervous. I told Heath that if they needed someone to talk to, they could give me a call.

Dating is so confusing

Well, as predicted, the day got off to a slow start. Heath and I went to Breadman's for breakfast. Neither of us really cared for our meal. We then went to Lowe's and Wal-Mart looking for space heaters. He became angry because at Wal-Mart, I would not ask if they had any space heaters. Once we got into the car, he punched my house into the GPS and sped off. I asked if we could go to Home Depot and he said no. When we got to my house, I got ready to get in my car, thinking he would go with me. He grabbed his computer and got in his car to go home. Upon seeing this, I slammed the front door so hard, the house shook. I called him and asked why he wouldn't help me, but he didn't really respond and told me bye. I called three times and he didn't answer. At this point, I was feeling a lot of things-actually I had been feeling them all day-I really wanted to cut and purge. My depression has become so bad that I really just want to die. I am trying to reach out for help, but I feel so overwhelmed. Well, I called my mother, asked her about heaters and when Heath finally called me back, he agreed to help me if I went to the mall up by his house. We met at the mall got the heater and a cinnamon bun (his idea) and then we went to a bar and I bought him a beer. We definitely need to work on our communication skills-I love him, but there are a few things that are driving me crazy!

I learned today that Ellis is in a relationship. Oddly enough, all I can think is she must be insane to want to be with him. I realize that I dated him, but he is broke, is losing money in his business, his father is a convicted felon for trying to kill his mother, he drinks constantly, and he seems kind of gay. I guess everyone has their prince charming and maybe he is her prince.

When I got home from Raleigh, Paul called me. We talked for about 2 hours, which is weird because when we were dating, he really didn't like being on the phone. I miss him, not in a romantic way, but in a friend way. I don't think he ever thought of me in more than a friend way despite the fact we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He became my friend on Facebook and it was kind of upsetting that he was saying things to another girl that he used to say to me and was using his nicknames for me for her. I know-I have Heath and I should not be upset, but it is upsetting to learn that you were not special.

How important am I?

Tonight I was asking Heath what he had told his parents about me. He couldn't understand why I thought it was so important. He said he had mention me to his parents. I guess I am a little disappointed because I want him to go on and on about me to his parents and other people. He stated that he didn't talk about such things with his parents. I talk about him all the time to lots of people. I want to know that I am always on his mind and that I am important to him.

Today Heath brought up chiropractors. I knew he had been curious about Ellis, the chiropractor I had been dating. I told him that I did date Ellis, but it wasn't that serious and we never even considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I could tell he was upset that I had been in a semi-relationship so close to when we started dating. He asked if we broke up if that was all he would be-some guy I went on a few dates with. I reassured him that this relationship is more than any relationship and deeper than any I have had in quite a while. I am not sure if he believes me, nor am I completely sure he has the same feelings about me that I have about hum. I am unable to change the past. I just tried to reassure him that I love him and I only want to be with him.

Back in the air

I finally returned to Asheville today. The flights were marvelous-beautiful as always! My ear pain was very minimal. I saw patients at my attending's private office in the morning and then saw a new patient at the family medicine center in the afternoon. I was thinking more about the progesterone link with binge eating. A patient gained weight after starting on progesterone cream. I really need to finds some time to do some reading on progesterone. I also need to get back to studying for Step 3. My birthday gift from my parents was the registration fee for Step 3. Since I don't want to have to retake it or Step 1, I need to get myself in gear and sign up and start studying.

I met Heath's aunt and uncle this evening for dinner. They were the first family members of Heath's I had met. I think it is a good sign, especially since I haven't met very many of his friends. I am anxious to meet his parents, but I will not push it.

Sleep tight

Heath is spending the night tonight. No, I have not changed my mind about the premarital sex decision. I was sad because he had to leave early Friday night, but I knew I had to get a good night's sleep for call. He told me that he could spend the night Sunday night. I was looking forward to sleeping in his arms. I wanted time to think about it, but he wanted an answer on Saturday night. At the time, he didn't realize it was a big deal to me-I've never had anyone spend the night. Tonight, when he found that out, he apologized for pressuring me for an answer. He was wanting to get together an overnight bag and take it when he went to play golf this morning. He told me that he didn't realize what a big deal it was for me and had he known, he would have given me more time to think about it. I am happy with my decision and looking forward to sleeping in his arms.

Two minute break-up

Well, Heath and I broke up for a whole two and half minutes. I blew up because he kept telling me I was wrong about how I couldn't find a cable/satellite TV deal that would save me money. I think I would know since I spent the whole day looking. He has this habit of always telling me I am wrong. Last night he told me I was wrong and that the court could order my ex to pay back the money. He figured a few days in jail would make my ex pay me back-ha! He definitely hasn't met my ex. I have looked into this-spent weeks agonizing over it and in the state of Georgia, the court will order him to pay, but they don't do anything that helps with collecting the money-technically he doesn't have to pay. Nothing would make me happier than to get my ex to pay me back, but the time and money it is going to take is something I don't have. Well, back to the break-up tonight. I told him I didn't like how he was always telling me I am wrong and screamed for him to "get out." He grabbed his computer cord (which he always leaves over here) and told me I could keep everything else. He told me that he didn't like it when I raised my voice. I told him to sit back down. We agree we have a communication problem-I don't exactly know how to fix it. I apologized for raising my voice. He said he would try working on telling me that I am wrong-of course in the conversation he again kept telling me that I am wrong. A few days ago he tried to tell me that I was wrong about Resident Physician work hour rules(I think I would be the expert in this seeing that I have to go by them), so I don't think this habit is going to be so easy to break. I do think we would be able to communicate better if I didn't constantly have him telling me that I am wrong. We got in an argument about a medical issue and since I knew I was right and he kept telling me I was wrong-I sent him an e-mail with a link to my online medical textbook to prove I was right. Now I get that I don't know every medical answer, but I know enough to have a medical degree and I think perhaps accepting somethings I say without arguing about it. I don't disagree about computer things, although sometimes I would love to-I think he must think I am an idiot in the computer department, but considering I was writing my own programs at the age of 7 and did 99% of the technical support for my labs, I can do more that Facebook and e-mail. I don't know how this is going to turn out-I am not ready to call it quits, but I am getting tired.

Doctor's Appointment

I saw my doctor this morning and I am pretty sure she wanted to admit to the hospital for purging (which unfortunately in this state is legal). Of course it would be for totally for medical reasons-hypokalemia, history of seizures. She wanted to check my blood, which of course would be totally out a whack, so I declined. She wants me to abstain from purging (duh! I would really like to) and to call her if it continues. She also wants me to see a therapist-which would be great, but unfortunately my schedule stinks-well in the fact it doesn't line up with the therapist's schedule-I am working on it. She also suggested that I stop dating Heath and start dating someone more supportive (that wasn't a huge newsflash to me). Maybe I should just take a break from dating in general, although the idea of spending my birthday alone is not appealing-maybe my mother is available. I guess I will wait and see who comes around and if someone wants to date me then fine and if not then I will get other things in order in my life.

Why bother?

Well, I ran off the road today-probably because I was crying to hard to actually see the road. I messed up my hubcap, but the car and tire seem to be fine. Earlier in the day, I had been running errands-most revolving around Valentine's Day gifts for Heath. He was playing golf this morning and said he would be finished around 2 or 3. He is expecting me to be at my house when he finishes-see last Sunday's post where he was upset that I wasn't available when he got off the golf course. He calls me around one today, I still had a few more errands. He gives me the ultimatum of be home or he is going home. I'm hungry-still hadn't eaten and had a few more things I had hoped to get done. Since I know that I won't have much of a chance to see him during the week, I go home. It was definitely the wrong decision-I was hoping we would go grab a late lunch or an early dinner, he figures he will grab a long nap on the couch. Then I mention something about going out to eat. He mentions he wants crab (okay, I'm allergic, but I figure I would look up a place for us to go-I can eat chicken or a hamburger and not complain). Then about 15 minutes late he states-"well, I need to go." I asked what about dinner and he states that he wasn't hungry. I didn't tell him goodbye and I stormed out of the house when he left.

I headed to Taco Bell to get something to eat, driving there I knew I was going to throw it back up. I don't know what has me more upset-Heath or the fact I have purged 5 times in the past week. I have beaten this purging thing for 5 years. Well, I was crying and that's when I drove off the road. I came home and called Paul. About Paul-he pays compliments-pretty much they are in a controlling pattern and it was a really unhealthy relationship. Oddly, it made me feel better. Of course I still ate the food and threw it up.

My Angel Friend

Tonight Heath and I went to go see Rondney Carrington. The show was pretty good despite a few raunchy songs that I didn't appreciate. I also was upset that Heath commenting that he appreciate a girl next to us flashing her chest. I didn't think she was all that great.

Well, anyway back to the show. I posted a song that Rodney sang about a friend he lost. He ended the show with it. I thought it was a good song and it makes you appreciate those you have lost in your life. No surprise, it made me think of CLB. If I find the lyrics, then I will post them. They made me think of the impact CLB has had on my life. I have always associated Valentine's Day with CLB. A few years ago, around Valentine's Day, I was pretty depressed, I believe my bupropion had been stopped. I had been crying all night and was oblivious to the fact it was Valentine's Day. I stepped out my door to walk to work/school. Something caught my attention the corner of my eye-it was a balloon stuck in a huge tree next to my apartment. The balloon was very similar to me-it was the same design of the balloon CLB gave me for Valentine's Day 1995. For some reason it didn't make me sad-it made me smile. People can tell me it was just a coincidence, but it made me think that CLB was looking down on me and wanted me to feel better.

Needless to say CLB had a huge impact on my life. It doesn't take psychoanalysis to determine why I am a Psychiatrist. It is probably why I am willing to commit patients at the drop of a hat. There are a billion other ways CLB had an impact on my life, but I think I will it at this right now. Before I heard this song this evening, I was going to post about abusive relationships, but since I know that topic brings me down, I won't write about it now. Maybe I will post more on that topic later this weekend.

I don't get it

I didn't see Heath today. He called me when I was out and when I called him back 30 minutes later, he decided it was too late for him to come see me-it was 3:30!!! I don't get it. We spent most of the night on the phone, so I know he wasn't out with another girl. He also admitted that he didn't like my cooking. I have never had anyone who dislike my cooking, especially since try to make things people like. I don't know what to do. I am wondering though if I am secretly sabatoging this relationship because I am scared because I have feelings for him.

Passive aggression is soooo yesterday!

Call was not so great last night. I didn't get to sleep, so I spent the morning sleeping. Heath wanted to go to a movie, so I didn't get much sleep. I guess I will make up for it tonight. We went to go see Taken. It was an okay movie-I didn't like all the gunfire. I told Heath several weeks ago that I didn't like to see guys shot in the head. I don't think he gets it. When I see someone shot I go back to CLB's death. Even though I wasn't there, I can still see it in my head.

So I spent the afternoon with Heath and despite the gunshots in the movie, I was thinking about how I might be falling in love with him. He even mentioned a possible trip to Boston in July. Then of course the date went south. To explain, I need to back up. On Wednesday, he sent me a very passive aggressive e-mail. I told him that I didn't appreciate it and it told me that I misinterpreted it. I figure, okay, maybe I did- e-mail can be difficult to communicate through sometimes.Well, tonight after the movie, I was hungry. I figured Heath would be leaving early due to a golf game tomorrow morning, so I figured I would go to Taco Bell after he left. Well we came back to my place and I mentioned that I wanted a Manhattan. So we decided to go to the ABC store, which is right next to a pizza place. Well, we decided to get some pizza. We, unfortunately could not agree on a pizza because he believes pizza should have sausage. We picked out two small pizzas. The guy asked "to go or for here." I figured we would be going back for drinks and pizza so I said "to-go." Heath said "for here." I said that I thought we should take it back, that way we could have the drinks with the pizza. Well, Heath's response was "well if that is the case we just want the Italiano (my pizza) to go." He then preceded to give me the silent treatment. Someone I dearly love is passive aggressive and I will put up with it from her, but I don't want to put up with it in a relationship. He gets mad when I snap at him, which I try hard not to do, he has got to learn that I will not put up with passive aggressiveness. I made him a drink, which he poured down the drain (death to the person who wastes my Maker's Mark!). He left after I fell asleep on the couch (hey, did you miss the part where I didn't sleep last night). He didn't call me when he got home this evening. I guess I will find out how mad he is if he doesn't call me after he plays golf. Meanwhile I am currently being asked out by a guy I met several months ago. I wish I could remember his name!!!

Love or money?

I have found the most hilarious blog: http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/ It is proving to be entertaining. I am hoping for a few more few moments so I can enjoy a few laughs. I do have to agree with it is better to date old money, however not being able to find old money in this neck of the woods, I guess I will stick with nerds who have the potential to earn money. Truth be told though, I think I might rather have love. There is a phrase I never thought I would utter since CLB. When asked in Dec 1998, I distinctly remember stating that I would marry for money-pretty much because I felt like I could never love anyone again. Ten years later and I have chosen love over money numerous times. The thought of "why can't I find both" tends not to be in my head. I guess the fact I can support myself and live the lifestyle I want plays a big part in that. Heath doesn't have money, doesn't come from money, and unless I am missing something-doesn't seem to be destined to have loads of money. I'm not saying that love is there either, but I definitely believe it could be. I have dated a few guys because of their money and was disappointed by their lack of respect of people in general and annoyed by their sense of entitlement.

I attended an interesting discussion today on Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank goodness I have the curtain of "Psychiatrist" to hide behind because my fascination with the disorder is evident in my extensive collection of books on the subject. I obtained several articles on the subject at the discussion and look forward to reading them. I guess my interest in the subject came about when my therapist in medical school pointed out how easily I dissociated. I realize it is a coping mechanism and that everyone dissociates to a degree. I can't imagine how I would have handled certain things without dissociating. I guess the point here is the degree to which dissociation disrupts your life. While I have been to the store and not recalled going to the store and I definitely had things in my cabinet from that trip that I would never in my wildest dreams care to eat, I couldn't imagine if that happened on a regular basis. I look at dissociative behavior the same as passing out from too much pain. The body couldn't handle the stimulus of pain, so the body shuts the person down, temporarily. I think dissociation is the brain/body's way of dealing with the emotional and physical stress and pain.

Well, it is almost time for check-out rounds. I am on call again tonight. The lack of sleep from call, my ear anxiety, my ear pain, and stress about life in general is getting to me. I am hoping for a few hours of sleep and maybe some good stories to pass on in my blog. My job tends not to be boring!

Boardwalk for the win

As I write this I am watching a Very Dugar Wedding. Definitely interesting perspective for a wedding-it is from the groom and his family. The bride and groom have not kissed since meeting. There was a time when I would have thought this was normal, but now I think it is kind of odd. I have definitely kissed guys that I would never want to kiss again based on the simple fact that it was a horrible kissing them. I guess the argument could be made that if the attraction and bond was there, then the kiss wouldn't be bad. I also see how my argument for kissing could be used against me in the department of not consummating the relationship.

As strange as it might sounds, I like watching the Dugar family. While I know I would never have a large family, sometimes I think it would be wonderful to have lots of kids.

So, normally I have not been watching television at night. Usually I am on the phone with Heath. He told me to call him after this show because he knew I wanted to watch it. So after yesterday's post, I didn't know what would happen today. He called this morning and we went out to Brigs for breakfast. He wanted to go to Circuit City and I wanted to go to Target. We did both and surprisingly got along great today. We played Monopoly this afternoon. I love playing board games and want someone who enjoys the same. I beat Heath, funny how having hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place can bankrupt someone. I had to be the thimble, while Heath was the dog. I was always the dog growing up, so I was a little sad about not getting the dog.

No fairytale ending

Today started well enough, although I really didn't want to get out of bed. I was alarmed to see a friend's status stating that she was alarmed by a call from my sister. So, I gave my sister, Flower, a call. During our first phone call, she denied any problems other that her new love interest declaring his undying love to her. She has been dating the new guy for a week and they met, literally, on the side of the road after her car accident two weeks ago. The new guy doesn't have a job, nor any prospects of obtaining one. While most would agree one week is too early to confess your undying love for someone, when do you realize that it is no longer lust or desire and realize it is love? I realize there is no time frame. I guess part of me still hopes for Prince Charming to walk in the door, for it to be love at first sight and for it to be happily every after. But everyone knows that Cinderella is all about the shoes.

So, Heath and I had a fight and judging by the fact I haven't heard from him in several hours, I am going to guess he is pretty upset. What gets me is that I don't think he has the right to be mad. Okay so maybe everyone in America has the right to be mad, but I don't know why he should be mad. I guess I will back up the story to say that we have spent most of our free time together and all other time on the phone. Over the past several weeks, I have had the feeling that he isn't attracted to be me. It isn't just because the only time he has put his computer down in the past several weeks was when half-naked women were on TV. I get that the Y chromosome prevents males from not looking at half-naked women. He hasn't kissed me in three weeks. So, I cut him some slack because he was sick for a week. Well, he is better now. So, I know that I am a little conservative-but that doesn't mean no kissing. He spent the afternoon pretending to be asleep on the couch. To make things worse, he laughed at me several times. He announced several times that he was going to leave and I guess decided to go after I made no comments such as "please stay and laugh at me more" and "I enjoy being rejected." To keep from bursting into tears, I had to keep playing my little motivation tape (note I don't have a real motivation tape) in my head-There is someone out there who is meant for me, who will love me more than anything, who will accept me for who I am, will respect my career, will apprecitate all I do, but not expect it because I am his wife, and *giggles* will let me keep my last name! All kidding aside, he made me feel 5 inches tall and I am sure he doesn't even understand.

I'm committed

Heath called today around 11:30am and wanted to come over. Apparently he is unfazed by the events of yesterday. He said he was too sick to work, so he came over to my house to lay on the couch and take a conference call. I have been sick since last Tuesday and he just noticed! We did run by Bed, Bath, and Beyond so I could pick up my ottoman. This trip didn't spawn any fights about name changing, although I am sure that topic is far from dead. I told my mother about the argument. She thinks he might equate name changing with commitment and the unwillingness to change my name means I would not be committed. Believe me, since I don't believe in divorce, getting married is a pretty big commitment. If name changing is needed for commitment, I guess he could always change his.

Today is MLK day, however I did not do much to commemorate it. Usually, I will turn on the ecumenical service or watch something on CSPAN-today I did absolutely nothing. I did think about CLB a lot. One of our most memorable dates occurred on MLK day. I have been thinking about CLB a more lately. I think I may have figured it out this evening-someone has come into my life who is very like him and I find that very scary. Not in the sense that I want him to be like CLB, but afraid that he will be. I will have to remind myself that they are different and just because CLB did what he did, doesn't mean the same path will be taken.

What is in a name?

So I think Heath and I might be over. We had a fight, which I would not say was a fight, it was more of a disagreement. However, it was a big disagreement. Several weeks ago it came up in conversation, that I had not planned on changing my name when I got married. Heath, being like 95% of guys, holds things in. Well, yesterday we were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (yes, I know-most girls would kill for that-a guy who would actually tag along to BBB) and he held up coasters with a "W," my last initial. He said, "look coasters for you." Now, I have a ton of coaster and am anal about people using them, but I sensed that wasn't what he was talking about. Then he said something along "well you don't like 'X'." "X" representing his last initial. I turned around, looked at him and said, "Really? You are really upset about that?" He said, "I don't think we are talking about the same thing." Knowing that we were, I decided to drop it anyway. I was already upset with him because he had made a statement about his ex-girlfriend that shows he is clearly not over her, although he claims they broke up over a year and a half ago.

I decide to drop all topics and play "nice" during dinner which was prepared by his roommate. I leave, drive home, and then call him to tell him I made it home okay. We are talking about different things and somewhere in the conversation he makes another comment about name changing. Well, after the incident at BBB, I knew I could not avoid it forever, but I thought perhaps I could wait until my headache and nausea went away. I told him I had planned on taking my husband's name socially and use my name professionally. This is a big change from my birth to about two years ago, when I had no intention of ever using my husband's name. Even as I sit here and think about it, I don't even know if I am totally satisified with my decision to use my husband's name socially.

So now to the big discussion at hand-why don't I want to change my name? First reason-I love my name. My last name (and first and middle) are the coolest names ever (in my opinion). They tell where I came from and they are my identity. My father's family is huge (>200), but only one person is actually carrying on the name. I have always known that my children would not carry on my name, but I have known, that like my sister has already done, my children will have my last name as a middle name. I was baptized with this name. Most people are baptized by "first middle," but my pastor baptized me as my whole name. Which I realize, I don't go to hell if I change my name, but it is just one more little thing that reminds me that this name is my identity. I also have an established career, in which I have published, presented at conferences, obtained a MD and a PhD, received many awards and honors and obtained licenses in my name. He also doesn't understand why I want to be called Doctor. I do have to say I find it very irritating to check my voicemail and have over 75% of the messages be directed to Ms. Wobegonrabbit and I would say 15% of the voicemails are directed to "first name." About a third of my patients don't believe that I have or ever will go to medical school-it is frustrating. When Heath is condescending about my rants (which have all been about not being called Dr while at work), it is hurtful. I spent 11 years post-high school in school pursuing two doctorates, is it too much to be called Doctor at work-related activities?

So in surfing about the name changing topic online, I came upon several interesting articles. My favorite quote comes from The Lucy Stone League:

"This tradition of name-abandonment by women is so much a part of U.S. culture, that few recognize it for what it is: a powerful instance of sex discrimination which has a major effect on women.
When girls are growing up, they see what they have to look forward to: the abandonment of their identity into the identity of another. What incentive do they have to develop their full identities in their adolescence?
In some prison cultures, inmates are given numbers and their names are taken from them. One purpose of this practice is to strip away a sense of importance and humanity from the inmates....the tradition of women giving up their names is equally damning."

Okay, so I don't think I feel that strongly about it. I am not likening myself to an inmate, but it does make a point that name=identity and I don't see why I can't add to the identity instead of subtracting from it.

I have known for many years, the hassle of changing driver's license, business licenses, passport, and social security card, but I hadn't really thought about everything else as was brought up in a CNN article. Unfortunately I can think of 20 etc. to add to list in just 20 seconds of thinking about it. I am not an 18 year old girl with nothing in my name, I am a 30+ woman who has accomplish a lot. Wonder if the new hubby would be willing to go to work for me, so I could do all this:

"The tedious legal process of switching her name took about nine months to complete. Finally, more than a year after her wedding, the 29-year-old e-mailed 160 friends and acquaintances to alert them to a new e-mail account and clarify her identity....Remember to change the title to your car, your voter registration, bank accounts, credit cards and subscriptions. Notify your college alumni office, frequent flier programs, etc."

My final note will end with this on this from a blogger on StevethePenguin. While I haven't deleted anyone, I have denied friends to receive messages of no, that so-and-so, you know them, I can't remember everyone's new name!:

"I have been pondering this question for the past month, ever since another of my female Facebook friends got married, changed her name, and made me question yet again, "who the heck is so-and-so, and why is she my Facebook friend?" It's not like these people have distinctive first names, like AnnaSophia or Weeping Willow. So when they change their last names, their past identity is practically erased. They are now someone's wife, not an individual with a valid, vibrant past. Luckily these friends can't see me in person, because the disappointment is written all over my face. It's so sad."

The conclusion, change your name if you want-I just don't think it is the right decision for me. So, is it the end to Heath? I don't know yet. I don't plan to call or e-mail. I guess he will make that decision.

To tell or not to tell

So, I am trying to publish a post for Friday, however it is already Saturday. I was not able to post yesterday due to the fact I had a very busy call night. More on that in the Saturday post. I think it will definitely go down in history as my worst psych call volume wise, but more on that later. Back to Friday's post. It was a rather busy Friday despite two of my patients not showing up. I had three hours of work left over from Thursday and at most of it was not finished by the end of Friday.

Heath is still sick. So far, knock on wood, I have stuffiness and a sore throat, but it isn't too bad. I called him at lunch to check on him and he was trying to hurry up with his work, so he could head home. On his way home an hour or so later he called, so I did get to talk to him, which definitely did brighten my day. I don't know how we got on the subject of color blindness, but I asked him if anyone in his family had color blindness. I wasn't even thinking of family history of illness, but he was on the defensive about it. Back to that in a sec. So over the past few weeks I have asked Heath about certain illnesses. I don't target in on heart disease or cancer. I go straight to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. It was more of an issue, especially with schizophrenia, at an earlier age, that the guy had a possibility of developing schizophrenia. Now it is more that our children would have schizophrenia, which is not always devastating, but it seems really scary to me. About bipolar, I am worried about meeting someone with bipolar, however I think after a few months of dating, I would figure it out. As far as children, well I have a sister with bipolar and my parents seem to be surviving. I guess I also do interrogate about history of twins in ones family which isn't always genetic. So in the past few weeks these questions have popped out of my mouth and Heath has answered. To me those questions were serious, yesterday I did not even think about the color blindness being serious. He became defensive and told me he would not tell me because I would not tell him who I voted for in the last election.

I can understand why one would want to know who their girlfriend/boyfriend voted for. I think the more important issue, however, is their stance on the issues. So, while dishonest, I have told some people I voted for one candidate and told other people I voted for another candidate. Now, I know "Thou shall not lie," but sometimes "Thou just wants to keep the peace." So, I think it is odd, that one wants to hear from my mouth who I voted for. Get to know me and it becomes pretty obvious. I am a psychiatrist and for the underdog. I want to help the underprivileged like no one's business. While I don't think necessarily think one party is for this and one is against it, I do believe one party is much better at it. I am pro-choice, so much so that I fear being excommunicated by my church. I write letters and am very vocal about it. I have helped patients obtain appointments (as well as remind them the choice included keeping their child or putting the child up for adoption-it is pro-choice). I have environmental bumper stickers all over my car, MySpace page, and various other places. Some people think Al Gore is a joke, I think he makes sense. I write countless e-mails about environmental bills to Congress, that I am probably on my Senators' "to be watched" list. I don't use compact fluorescent bulbs because I want to save money but because I cry whenever I think (or talk-so don't get me started) about mountain-top removal. While not a direct connection between bulbs and mountain-top removal, I am not always logical. If they told me wearing purple would stop it, then I would look like a grape daily. While not exactly an issue, I am a single white educated female. The majority of this demographic fall into a certain political party. I do scientific research, which is funded well by one party and horribly by another.

I do realize I send mixed messages. I am conservative in the way I act and dress. I am fairly religious and don't part with my church's views on much (yeah, I know the issue mentioned previously is a big deviation). I don't believe in premarital sex, but that doesn't mean I only want abstinence taught in school Do you know how I felt when an adolescent female wanted me to show her how to use a certain barrier device and I really couldn't. Of note, I did find someone to show her. I really think I should have learned that somewhere and perhaps before medical school, like how about when half of my high school class was becoming pregnant and a percentage of them contracting STD's.

So, I don't know if I will ever tell anyone who I voted for (although, given my stance I think a little obvious). I have never told, except post-brain surgery where I revealed I didn't vote for Bush. I honestly don't think that was a shock to anyone. I think people need to focus on the issues. Elections come and go and you don't always get what you want, but that doesn't mean that you have to be silent in the corner...