The Bridal Show

Well, today (and yesterday) were the first steps in my journey of planning a wedding. I guess I could say that they first step was actually meeting and dating Heath, but I have already blogged about that. In the next few days, I will probably create a new blog and add this post too it. I always figured my first step would be the proposal, however that has not happened yet. Since I know the ring has been purchased and Heath wants to get married in 2010, I needed all the time I could get.

This weekend Heath and I went to The Bridal Show in Raleigh, NC. It was a great event to go to, especially for a bride-to-be like me, who has no clue where to start. I have not been to any weddings in the Triangle, so I really am starting from scratch. Since my budget does not include enough for a wedding planner, I am on my own. Well, not completely on my own, Heath went with me both days, although he kept telling everyone I was the made of honor. I have not figured out my budget, but I do have a ballpark figure in mind. I will post more, when I have an idea.

The purpose of this blog will be to chronicle planning a wedding with a limited budget and limited time. The time will be about nine or ten months, however if plans do not come together, then it could be over a year.

The Bridal Show was a great place to start. There were tons of vendors for flowers, cakes, locations, caterers, DJ's, appearal, and more. I registered for many prizes, which I know gets them my contact information, but will also give me a chance to win some necessary items. I have already received a $50 gift card for David's Bridal. Heath signed up with Men's Warehouse. While we obviously have to determine if they have what we want, we have chosen them at this time because all of the attendants and parents are out-of-town and coordinating schedules with our jobs and lifestyles is a headache. Heath and I attempted to win a Blu-Ray Player, but Heath did not act silly enough-I did my part by loading him down with make-up. We did win an engagement session with a free photo. I will be commenting on the session in days to come.

My hope is that others can use this website as a tool in helping plan their big days. I definitely want to recommend those that have been most helpful. I do not plan to blog negative things about vendors, however if I do have a bad experience, then I will post it as I seem relevant. If I do go and meet with a vendor and that vendor was great, but did not fit with what I needed, then I will mention the vender in my blog, with the positive things, so that other brides and grooms may have access to the information.

Life is busy

I have a headache for several days that just refuses to go away. I know it is because I am not getting enough sleep. I will try to remedy that soon. Work has been hectic-I started doing both inpatient and outpatient at the same time. It is a juggling act.

I am working out daily which has not given me the results I want. I am exercising about 45-60minutes daily and am not losing any weight. I need to pay more attention to what I am eating. Heath wanted to know if I was still doing the treadmill. I told him no, due to the fact there is not anything interesting on television. I like doing step aerobics right now. I think he should stay out of my exercise routine.

Heath's mother's birthday is coming up. We are spending it with her. I had to come up with a gift, however I have only met her once. I could not figure out what to get her, but then I remember that she always plays with pink golf balls. I went to Golf Galaxy and got some pink golf balls and pink tees. I think she will like it.

Cape Cod

The fishing trip was a success- at least in the cod catching department. I am not sure how Heath's family feels about me. I do think that his brother and nephew like me though. We caught 80 cod and I spent today cleaning some of them. I do not remember signing on to do that when I started dating Heath. We did not catch a tuna, but I honestly do not know where we would have put the tuna because the cod filled up over three coolers, which was all we had. I caught the largest fish of the day-see above picture. I do realize that someone else is holding it-I prefer to not put pictures of people on the blog so I opted for this picture.

I forgot how much I enjoyed fishing. I am ready to go again. I think I would prefer not to catch 80 fish though. I have not fished in over 11 years and while my reason for stopping was a justifiable one, I am glad to be doing it again.

We spent 15 hours driving there and about 14.5 hours driving back. How can you tell that you really love someone? Well, I think I figured it out in the car-riding in the car (specifically the cab of a pick-up truck) for 30 hours in the span of 65 hours and not wanting to leave him to go home.

I spent another 4th of July not seeing fireworks. Hopefully next year I will see them, but I guess it isn't the end of the world if I do not see any. We did not get to see any of Boston either, which is a shame. I do not thing Heath has been, but seeing as he finds history and museums boring, I am sure I would just be hearing "are you done yet?" so maybe it was for the best. I have seen Boston, so I did not go on the trip to see Boston. Heath said that maybe we would plan another trip for sightseeing.

I spent the night at Heath's house last night for the first time. It was too late to drive to Durham to drop me off. I have only been in Heath's room twice. I am not quite sure I like being there. It reminds me that he has had a past with lots of girlfriends. I know it is stupid, but I look around and wonder which girl gave him that and which girl picked out the curtains, bed spread, etc. He does not have to wonder about that when he is here. No guy (with the exception of those that helped me move and the cable guy) has been in my room and no guy has been in my bed. He tells me that girls did not spend the night-which I know is not true, but I am glad he lied anyway. As he was leaving after dropping me off today, how many girls he had taken fishing? He paused for a few moments to think and answered that I was the first. Judging past girlfriends, I do not doubt that response. Taking me fishing makes me feel pretty special because fishing is his absolutely favorite activity. I feel happy too because he took me on a family fishing trip.

Feel free to leave me cod recipes-my father requested baked cod and Heath requested fried fish.

All things must come to an end

Hmm, looking at my page, I am wondering why my ads are not in English. No wonder no one clicks!

I just found out Heath's nephew is going on the trip. It bothers me that I am sharing a room with Heath and it bothers me what message I am sending his nephew. I know I should get over this, but I am having a difficult time doing so.

My second year is almost up. Today, I had my last trip to Asheville. While I enjoyed the flying, the people, and the experience, I definitely will not miss the early morning and the long rushed Tuesdays. I will also not miss being away from campus and the multiple voicemails and e-mails that always awaited me on Wednesday morning. I am looking forward to the end of call-which should happen shortly. Third year will be a challenge, but at least I get to face it with a full night of sleep every night. I will be juggling clinic and inpatient work everyday, but I think I am up to the challenge. I was very content on the Psychotic Unit several weeks ago, so I believe no call and doing some inpatient work will make me a happy resident.

I'm frustrated

Well, night float is over. Thankfully, I will not be working nights for a week at a time in the next two years. I wished I could have slept the whole weekend, but apparently it was not meant to be. I did get on the WiiFit 3 of the 5 days that I was post night float. I also worked out yesterday. I missed Saturday-Heath was at the house and we had a lot of errands to run. I think my tiredness combined with Heath's cranky mood made for a bad weekend-we fought the majority of the time. He has a sense of humor where he makes little remarks that can be mean. I believe it was once said that all jokes contain some truth, so I find his remarks to be mean sometimes-especially when I haven't slept. Joking aside, I was also upset that he expected me to go to the store and cook dinner Friday night-I had slept 6 hours in a 72 hour period and had only eaten 10 animal crackers in a 25 hour period-I was looking forward to eating something I did not cook. The solution was for Heath to eat Beefaroni. Saturday night, I started preparing dinner. I asked Heath if he would eat it-I fixed a Mexican dish and he only took one small bite. I have never had a person not eat my cooking so this frustrates me to no end. I am trying to make things I think he will eat.

Heath became mad because I was on the phone with my father and I told my father that Heath hates my cooking and once again was not eating what I fixed. Heath became mad and said that was turning my father against him and this relationship would not work if I talk about him to my parents. Heaven forbid that he find this blog. I guess I will try to make an effort not to blog about him. I honestly do not think the relationship will work if he demands me to cook and then does not eat my cooking. Looking into the future, how do you explain to your children that they have to eat the vegetables at the dinner table when Dad opens a can of pasta and eats it over the sink? My mother suggests I make "simple things," but I am having trouble even finding simple things he will eat.

We spent the weekend watching True Blood. Heath enjoyed it, so we ended up watching 9/12 episodes. Well at least entertaining him is easy.

Tiredness

I am so tired of being on call. I am looking forward to a life (or at least a year) where I can sleep at night. I know that I chose this profession, but at the time I do not think I fully realized the effect sleep deprivation would have on me-especially with the Chiari and Epilepsy.

I am becoming more nervous about meeting Heath's father next week. What makes it worse is Heath and I will be sharing a hotel room. I definitely do not want Heath's family to get the wrong idea about me. The truth is that I am unable to afford a second hotel room.

I would like to play some golf this weekend, but looking at my schedule, I do not know when we will be able to fit it in. I guess we can always go to the driving range.

I can not stop thinking about a friend of mine whose 6 month old daughter passed away. It is amazing to me that in 2009, the number of children under the age of 1 that die each year. Working in the hospital, I am aware that babies die, but it does not register until someone you know experiences such a horrible loss.

Is This Love That I'm Feeling?

I guess I need to get back to updating my blog since apparently people want to know what is going on with me. Life has been extremely busy lately and I have been trying to figure out transitioning from second year to third year in my residency program. I am looking forward to the end of night float and call.

I have had a slow night, so some of it was spent surfing the web. I have found the perfect wedding photographer-no I am not planning a wedding-but if I was, I would definitely give her a call. Her photographs are amazing- RebeccaClaire. I read some of her engagement stories, which made me misty-eyed. Proposals have never made an emotional impact on me, but I think that is perhaps because I never really cared about people finding love. Well, until now. So, what happened? I met someone-well actually I met someone six and a half months ago-and just about every post on this blog is about him. I am head over heels for Heath. I knew I loved him, but I came to this realization of head over heels about a week ago when I was waiting for him to finish playing golf, so we could go play golf. We had spent the previous day at a barbecue with all my co-workers. He was the first boyfriend I had introduced to co-workers. I never really cared to introduce the others to anyone. The others met my parents pretty much just because my parents were in town. I did not care for anyone to meet my sister, who I consider to be the most important person in my life-that should have been a wake-up call to how not important they were. I do not think Heath got the importance of going to Knoxville when we went the first time until he realized on the way home that no one had been to Knoxville with me. At the barbecue, he was wonderful and everyone loved him. While waiting for him to finish his golf game, I couldn't stop thinking about him-the dinner on Friday, the barbecue on Saturday, and the upcoming golf game that afternoon. I am so happy when I am with him. I am excited when I see him at the door and I am sad when the dates are over and he is walking to his car. I sent him an e-mail on Sunday night trying to tell him my feelings, but I definitely did not do my feelings justice.

Just one little problem. I am so scared of scaring him off and my sister did not help with these fears. We joke about marriage-he started these jokes, but she made several comments about it. I am also scared about the way I feel, so much so that I just want to run away to prevent being hurt. The way I feel about Heath fails in comparison with the way I feel about any other guy with the exception of CLB. I did not think it was possible for me to feel this way again. I wish the fears that he is just going to up and leave would just go away. He reassures me all the time, but it does not help much. I think my biggest fear is that he is going to die and I do not want to go through that again.

Well, forgive my rambling post. I will try to update more regularly. I do have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to say it.

Recycled Paper Towels are difficult to find

This morning I cleaned up the kitchen, then made it messy again by making French Toast. Then Heath and I headed to Staples for paper towels. I have been searching for recycled paper towels for almost a month and have not been able to find them. Heath saw an add for recycled paper towels at Staples and sent it to me. We headed to Staples and then headed to BJ's. We also went to Target. I came home and cleaned out the car and did some laundry. I did some cleaning, but I plan to do the bulk of my cleaning and organizing when I come back from Atlanta.

A busy day

Heath spent the night. I woke up to him crawling into bed-he did not let go of me the rest of the night. We spent the day running errands. He was a little peeved saying that he got things done during the week, so he could spend the day with me. Well, that would be nice, but it is not practical for me. Heath does not go to the grocery store and one trip to BJ's once every two months takes care of household items. The errands were not that bad a trip to the hardware store and a trip to Best Buy. Best Buy was for him-he needed a new bluetooth headset. He griped about the grocery store, but he was the one that demanded I cook every once in a while. Food does not magically appear in the pantry and fridge. After the store, we played the Wii, which seemed to make him happier. I made dinner, which was yummy, and then we watched ghost stories on television.

What a way to ruin a movie

Heath and I are not speaking tonight, which is sort of odd because he is still over here. He was here when I arrived home from work. He seemed to be in a better mood since he could sit on the couch and play WoW, instead of sitting in the car and watching he DVR. He wanted to go see a movie. Technically, it was my turn to choose the movie. He did not want to see my choice. Neither of us wanted to sit through the 3 hour Watchman movie either. He had really wanted to see this other movie-Last House on the Left. I watched the preview and it was about a girl being kidnapped and her dad getting revenge. I enjoyed Taken, so the premise was not upsetting. Seeing that it was by Wes Craven, however did not sit well with me. Wes Craven is obsessed with rape. I told Heath that I did not want to see anyone getting raped. He said, oh they would not show that in this movie. Stupidly, I believed him. Well about an hour into the movie, the main character is raped. For about a minute, I looked at Heath-he did not look away from the screen-ugh! I stormed out of the theater (actually it was a pretty calm walk-he came after me about 15 seconds later. He was making his way to the exit of the cinema-I was leaning against the wall. I told him that he could watch the rest of the movie, but he said he did not want to since I did not want to see it. I still can not get the images and sounds in the movie out of head. I let him choose the movie last time and it contained three people committing suicide by blowing out their brains. Two scenes I do not want to see in movies-rape and suicide by shooting self in head. We walked in silence to the car and then rode in silence to the Mexican restaurant. Then we ate dinner in complete silence-not a single word was spoken-with the exception of telling the waitress our orders. We came back to my house and I assumed Heath would go home. However he sat down on the couch and turned on his computer. After about 45 minutes of watching Heath read the news, I changed my clothes, walked on the treadmill, took a shower, and crawled into bed. So far, he has not left.

The key to my heart?

Today, I did something I have never done. I gave a guy a key to my house. Heath did not really think of it as a big deal, but I think it is a big step for me. I don't think he is going to invade my privacy and I would also like to think he would knock before he uses the key-my parents do. He did not ask for a key. I basically drove us (yes, I know-he complained about being tired and made me drive-not that I'm not tired, have worked 11 or 12 hour days this week and only gotten 5 hours or less of sleep a night) to the hardware store, purchased a copy of my key and handed it to him. He was upset about sitting in his car waiting for me because he does not want to drive the twenty minutes to his house from work and then drive thirty minutes back to my house. It makes sense and if it means he will not bite my head off when I am running behind due to a patient (gee, you mean I don't intentionally run behind-it is because I am with a patient), I guess I can give him a key.

Wash away life

I am beginning to dislike Wednesdays-they are entirely too long. They begin between 7:00 and 7:30am and do not end until 7:00pm. To top it off, I feel completely exhausted by Tuesday's early morning flight. I was in a laughing mood yesterday, no doubt from the exhaustion. I felt the need to laugh at topics that were very funny. Quite embarrassing!

I attended a lecture on OCD. It is fascinating to me about how OCD ruled my life at one point, but with the help of medications and therapy, I am doing much better. I still have some contamination fears, but they are not so strange as to interfere with my life. The compulsion of having to wash when I see a dead person-even just a picture on TV can get quite annoying, but it is not something I am having to deal with on a daily basis. I do perhaps, still wash my hands too much, but at least they are not as raw as they once were.

What's on my mind

I went to Asheville today. It was a very long day due to the fact we had to leave early to drop someone off in another city. The flights were all very lovely and I did get some work completed on them.

I really wanted to go out for St. Patrick's Day, however with the early morning awakening and the long day, I am too tired to go out. Heath went out with his neighbor and celebrated at a local Irish establishment-I am kind of upset about it, but I am not going to say anything. Again on the phone, he brought up a lovely story from last St. Patrick's Day in which the neighbor's friend promised to flash him, but then did not keep her promise. I really could live without this story, it has been a year-get over it. I really do not want to hear that you want to look at naked women, but never look at me and not once-even complimented me on my appearance. Ugh!

On the way home, I read the treatment guidelines for Tourette Syndrome. The likelihood of a child who has one parent with OCD and one parent with Tourette Syndrome having Tourette Syndrome or OCD is 70-90%. Scary numbers, but is it a reason to not have children. I will admit my OCD has been bad enough to lead to suicidal gestures. I wish I had known at 12 years old, what I know now. Even several years ago, it was under diagnosed and under treated in children. Same thing for Tourette Syndrome. I do not think being a child with these conditions now is the worst thing and I do not believe it should affect my decision to have children. The only reasons I can think of at the moment is if my husband has Bipolar Disorder or Arnold Chiari Malformation. I have a previous post regarding Bipolar Disorder. Regarding the Arnold Chiari Malformation, the genetics is not too clear, but if my husband had symptomatic ACM, then I would put money on my child having symptomatic ACM.While, I know my case was nowhere near the worst case of ACM, it was definitely a challenge I would not want to go through again and not something I would want another human being to experience.

Ugh!

Today got off to a slow start, but then it took off. I had a full clinic this afternoon. Heath sent me an e-mail and so I called him back to find out when he wanted to come over for lasagna. He said tonight-which I was really hoping he would not say. I have a horrible migraine and have to get up at 4:30am to go to Asheville tomorrow.
Heath came over without calling first. I was already preparing dinner. He watched me carry out two bags of trash-tomorrow is trash day. I don't think a guy has ever watched me take out the garbage without offering to help. Of all chores-taking out the garbage is my least favorite-I actually have had panic attacks taking out the garbage. He did walk with me to the door and as I was coming back, I noticed he had put a Pepsi bottle in the blue recycling bin. I asked if he would please take the top off and rinse it out. He refused. We got in a big fight about it. It may seem like a little issue, but it is a big deal to me. He said he was going to leave, but he stayed and we spent the next hour in complete silence. What really stinks is I like him, but I have no clue how much I can put up with.

Shouldn't I have all of this?

Today, I dump Heath. He left this morning without saying bye which made me really angry. I did not hear from him the rest of the day. He called me later on in the evening. I think he spent the day playing video games-he told me he was going to the movies with his neighbor-which I knew was not the truth because his neighbor had company in town. I have decided that Heath is not attracted to me because for the past three weeks he has not even kissed me. In a relationship this early, he should not be able to keep his hands off me. I am not saying I would do anything, but he should at least want to. I told him that we should break up. He was not totally against it, but he was not for it either. I asked him if he liked me and he said of course. I told him to tell me why. He came up with two reasons-I'm nice and I like video games-the two well known foundations for a great relationship. He did not say anything about being attracted to me. He then brought up the name changing thing again. I plan to go by my husband's name socially. Why is it so important that I go by Dr. Husband's name instead of Dr. Wobegonrabbit? I am not using my maiden name because I am looking for a replacement. I have put 13 years into my career and I do not want it to disappear because when I change my name no one knows who I am. I really like him, but I do not feel like he feels the same way. As Mary Chapin Carpenter put it- Shouldn't I have all of this and passionate kisses?

Myrtle Beach

Today Heath and I drove to Myrtle Beach to see his nephew in a little league game. It was fun and I enjoyed meeting his brother and sister-in-law. We played with his youngest nephew and had a blast. He is great with children. He did tell me that he does not want a ton of children. I have not decided how many I really want.
The trip was great until the ride home. He took out that he was tired on me and became really mean. I really had to go to the bathroom-I was doubled over in pain and he said well, I am really tired, what do you want me to do about it. Duh! pull over?? I held it for over an hour and probably, judging from all the cramping and abdominal pain, have a UTI.

Friday the 13th

I am so glad night float is over. Heath took me out to dinner to the pub and then we came back home and watched Monty Python-although I am not so sure Heath actually watched it. I fell asleep two minutes into the movie and woke up an hour and a half later. He played WoW. We really have to set ground rules-he can not come over to my house, ignore me, and play WoW. I really don't want to be dating my sister.

Sleep is wonderful

Last night was moderately busy, I had about one free hour, which is rare. That free hour was nice and I got a lot accomplished. Today I slept soundly for the eight hours that I was home and then I headed to night float. I am looking forward to my last night of night float this week.

I guess I am depressed

Last night was definitely not as bad as the night before, however this morning was not good. There was an incident at work in which I was accused of being a bad resident and not doing my job. It is a ridiculous accusation, but I spent all day crying over it. With all the crying, I got about three hours of sleep. I am not going to get into the incident, as I do not want to get into what happened. I will be so happy when night float is over!

I saw my psychiatrist today. Despite being upset when I saw her, we discussed all my symptoms over the past several days and she has decided that I am definitely more depressed. She increased one of my medications.

I'm really tired

Last night was very hectic. There were a ton of patients to be seen in the ED and four direct admits. To top it off there was a lot of drama in the ED and on the units. I was able to get home and get to bed at a reasonable hour. The phone rang several times waking me up and the yard guy came and knocked on the door to see if I wanted my lawn mowed in two weeks. I overslept tonight. I really did not want to go into work. Hopefully, it will not be as bad at last night.